PORTLAND, OR — As the sun set on Sunday, the window for local 10th grader Abby Gelman to receive a card this Tu B’Av came to a close, and with it her hopes and dreams of being loved. Gelman was eagerly looking forward to at least one card – but when the holiday ended, she was left with nothing but the realization that the Tisha B’Av fast didn’t do as much for her figure as she thought it would.
“Listen, I get that Tu B’Av hasn’t made it into the cultural zeitgeist as much as Valentine’s Day, and that’s on us for poor branding,” said Gelman through tears. “Still, I at least thought Zachary Weiss would have sent me one. He’s been checking me out all week, and I know he heard the rabbi talking about Tu B’Av last week. It’s just rude.”
“Yeah, I was in synagogue last weekend, but what does that have to do with anything?” responded Weiss when asked if he knew why Gelman’s mascara was smeared all over her face. “Look, I barely know Abby. I think her dad’s my orthodontist? That’s about all I know about her.”
In looking for someone to blame, Abby points the finger at greeting card behemoth Hallmark for their lack of Tu B’Av-related merchandise.
When asked for comment, a Hallmark spokesperson responded, “Huh?”