BROOKLYN, NY — Earlier today, court proceedings at the United Nations began discussing the much anticipated Deal Heritage case. The case was initially shrugged off by UN interns as a prank and somewhat of an insult to the integrity of the world’s most important moral voice – however, the Syrians wouldn’t let a couple of acne-ridden college students with a hard-on for politics get in the way of their one true goal: establishing their extravagant beachfront homes in Deal, New Jersey as a United Nations World Heritage Site.
Tens of thousands of Syrians, colloquially known as SYs, migrate to their bourgeoise manors every summer in what has become a nearly-religious ritual for the community. Those who make the dangerous decision to stay in Brooklyn for the summer instead are subject to ridicule, being declared J-Dubs, and are even at risk of being placed under the infamous Herem, or excommunication, usually reserved for those who marry outside of the community.
“Allegedly we were originally turned down because the same name appeared on the petition hundreds of times. Apparently those anti-Semitic jerks don’t think there can be 137 Eli Attias’, 559 Regina Moses’, and at least 1,000 Abie Mizrahis – plus 8 Joey Dwecks, all first cousins,” said renowned SY Rabbi Aaron Behar.
In response, the Syrian community began to lobby the UN General Assembly ambassadors to get their case heard. Within a month, the international power alliance had agreed to listen. Though nothing has been confirmed, allegations of bribery have been rumored. Certain prominent UN members have recently been spotted wearing expensive jewelry and Jordache jeans, and are on record referring to the situation in Africa as “Hazeet.”
At press time, Rabbi Behar announced that he was hajjed from all the hard work and needed to get back to knis for Arbit.
theschmear.com 