Author Archives: The Schmear

Rabbi Akiva’s 24,000 Students Didn’t Die So Jesus Could Take Credit For “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself”

The famous Rabbi Akiva, known mainly for staring at water dripping on a rock, had one core principle that he discovered through a lifetime of Torah study and dedication to God: “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” But then some guy comes along, makes fish, passes the idea off as his own, and all of aContinue reading “Rabbi Akiva’s 24,000 Students Didn’t Die So Jesus Could Take Credit For “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself””

Tragic: Borderline Incestuous Camp Friend Group Contracts Mono

LAKE COMO, PA — Lying in bed at the Camp Perlman infirmary, camper Shoshana Stein was seen sobbing after being diagnosed with Mononucleosis, commonly referred to as ‘mono’, making her the fourth person in her tight-knit friend group to contract the disease. Rachel Gross, arguably the glue of the friend group, was available to comment.Continue reading “Tragic: Borderline Incestuous Camp Friend Group Contracts Mono”

Not Again: Teaneck Mom Swears This The Year She Makes Aliyah

TEANECK, NJ — Wiping away tears after an hour of watching the Kotel live stream, Chana Berman, active member of the Frisch PTA, swore that this would be the year she finally moves to Israel.  “Sure I said the same thing last year too, but then Jared needed oral surgery and I really wanted toContinue reading “Not Again: Teaneck Mom Swears This The Year She Makes Aliyah”

Top 5 Israeli Foods We Hope Never Make It To America

1. Pizza Spice  Perhaps the issue really lies in the quality of Israeli pizza, but the spice just makes it worse. It tastes like sucking on ten pizza pringles at once, which became less fun after the incident at my 10th birthday party.  2. Israeli Grape Juice  It’s just grapes and sugar, how could theyContinue reading “Top 5 Israeli Foods We Hope Never Make It To America”