Author Archives: The Schmear

Close Call: Campus Jewish Organization Added To University Diversity Meeting At Last Second

DAVIDSON, NC — Davidson College Hillel, the only non-Christian religious group on campus, breathed a sigh of relief last Tuesday when they received an email inviting them to participate in the university’s monthly diversity committee meetings.  “We knew they were having these meetings,” said Hillel president Jonathan Weitz on a celebratory walk around campus, “andContinue reading “Close Call: Campus Jewish Organization Added To University Diversity Meeting At Last Second”

Local Non-Jew Wondering Why Her Roommate Keeps Complaining About the Temperature While Making Direct Eye Contact Every Saturday

ANN ARBOR, MI — University of Michigan freshman Savannah Waterford is unsure about why her roommate Yael Berger keeps complaining about the temperature every Saturday until sundown while making awkward eye contact. “That’s not the only thing she does,” Waterford said. “It seems like every Friday night, she gets into bed with the lights on,Continue reading “Local Non-Jew Wondering Why Her Roommate Keeps Complaining About the Temperature While Making Direct Eye Contact Every Saturday”

So, Your Childhood Friend Just Got Married, and You Haven’t Even Finished Your Bat Mitzvah Thank You Notes. What Now?

Listen, being in your early 20s is weird for everyone. Some people are young adults, and some people are older children. So even if your best friend from childhood is posting wedding pictures on Facebook, it doesn’t mean you should be embarrassed about how you’re still wearing clothes with your name on the inside labelContinue reading “So, Your Childhood Friend Just Got Married, and You Haven’t Even Finished Your Bat Mitzvah Thank You Notes. What Now?”

Carbon Dioxide Loses Hechsher, SodaStream Stocks Plummet

KEFAR SAVA, ISRAEL —  SodaStream International Ltd took a hit this week when the Orthodox Union reported that it will no longer certify carbon dioxide. The company spokesman Rabbi Ari Schwartzman held a press conference to explain the decision,  “It breaks my heart to inform you that Carbon Dioxide will no longer bear kosher certificationContinue reading “Carbon Dioxide Loses Hechsher, SodaStream Stocks Plummet”

I’m Starting to Think This Niggun is a Billie Eilish Song

Ok so my rabbi brings a “new” niggun from his hometown? Sure… anybody knows that Jews never make new songs. It was a good effort disguising “Bad Guy” with nonsense niggun syllables but still – I’m not buying it. It was a weird song choice but I’m most confused about how the rabbi found outContinue reading “I’m Starting to Think This Niggun is a Billie Eilish Song”

Overworked Oven Can’t Wait To Be Put On Shabbat Mode

QUEENS, NY — Exhausted by a tough week of high-temperature cooking, a local oven expressed its anticipation to observe a day of rest this weekend by going on Shabbat mode.  “I’ve been set at 425 pretty much every night this week,” the oven said as it cooled down from cooking a Thursday night turkey forContinue reading “Overworked Oven Can’t Wait To Be Put On Shabbat Mode”

Jewish Day School Career Day Invites Non-Lawyers and Non-Doctors for First Time

NEW YORK, NY — Pluralistic Jewish elementary school Kehilat Neshama is giving a new twist to career day this year, with their controversial decision to invite people from professions outside of law and medicine.  The innovative volte-face, announced by the administration in a school-wide email on Monday, has been welcomed by some parents with childrenContinue reading “Jewish Day School Career Day Invites Non-Lawyers and Non-Doctors for First Time”

Jewish Apples to Apples not as Fun as Local Third Grader Expected

RICHMOND, VA — Third graders at Temple Beth Shalom all cheered as their Hebrew school teacher pulled out the boxed game Apples to Apples during their class Wednesday evening. “We were all like, ‘finally’!” said third grader Lila Durman on how the class reacted, “We never get to play games. We were so excited toContinue reading “Jewish Apples to Apples not as Fun as Local Third Grader Expected”