Hanukkah is all about celebrating the Jews beating the Greeks, the underdog rising up against the powerful enemy, light conquering darkness. Jews around the world gather and light candles in their windows for all the neighbors to see because we have allowed ourselves the disillusion that we can trust our goyishe neighbors not to turnContinue reading “Ego Check: 8 Wars The Jews Didn’t Win”
Author Archives: The Schmear
Local Kosher Bakery Unveils Sufganiyot With Blood Of Christ Filling
Top 10 Nights of Hanukkah
Yup, it’s that time of year again, that period of several days characterized by consuming obscene amounts of jelly doughnuts and pretending to appreciate the fuzzy socks your aunt gave you — it’s Hanukkah. So, in commemoration of this special holiday, let’s take a look at the top 10 nights of the Festival of Lights.Continue reading “Top 10 Nights of Hanukkah”
Man Decides to Go All Out for Holidays, Wears Menorah Socks
San Francisco, CA — Local accountant and office goofball Jesse Orenstein wowed coworkers this week by showing up to the office wearing festively decorated menorah socks on the first day of Hanukkah. The socks in question were dark blue, with small light blue menorahs stitched onto them. A closer examination revealed numbers on each littleContinue reading “Man Decides to Go All Out for Holidays, Wears Menorah Socks”
Orthodox Union Determines Official English Spelling For Festival Of Lights
It’s Not A Chilul Hashem If It’s Black Friday
We all know the feeling of seeing a great deal at a store and taking off your kippah so it doesn’t look bad when you go apeshit at a strip mall Best Buy. Boy, oh boy, do I have news for you: On Black Friday, all the rules go out the window. That’s right. OnContinue reading “It’s Not A Chilul Hashem If It’s Black Friday”
Bubbe Cold Just Watching People On TV At Thanksgiving Parade
BOCA RATON, FL — Surrounded by her children and grandchildren for Thanksgiving, local bubbe Annette Ribner spent all of Thursday morning yelling at the television for the performers at the 95th annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade to put on coats, or at least some tights, because she was cold just looking at them. “These young girlsContinue reading “Bubbe Cold Just Watching People On TV At Thanksgiving Parade”
Heartwarming: NCSY Rabbi Doesn’t Celebrate Thanksgiving Because He’s Thankful Every Day
BEACHWOOD, OH — In a tear-inducing speech to a room of NCSY high schoolers, Rabbi Eitan Weiss explained that he doesn’t need to celebrate Thanksgiving since he is thankful every single day. “Each morning I wake up and say Modeh Ani and I am overwhelmed by the blessings Hashem has given me,” Rabbi Weiss said toContinue reading “Heartwarming: NCSY Rabbi Doesn’t Celebrate Thanksgiving Because He’s Thankful Every Day”
Breaking: Columbus Revealed To Be Secretly Jewish, Born Chaim Cholumbutz
GENOA, ITALY — Explorer Christopher Columbus, known for ‘Columbus Day’ and being a genocidal tyrant that caused the deaths of millions of indigenous people, was recently discovered to have been secretly Jewish this whole time, originally born Chaim Cholumbutz. The truth was uncovered after two years of excavations on what is believed to be oneContinue reading “Breaking: Columbus Revealed To Be Secretly Jewish, Born Chaim Cholumbutz”
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