News

Report: Kosher Pizzeria Expands Menu To Include Sushi, Salad, Sandwiches, Soup, Fish, Falafel, Froyo

Heartwarming: Bubbe Wishes Everyone “SHab.t shalm” In Family Whatsapp Group

Exposed: Jerusalem Petting Zoo Actually Breeding Ground For Third Temple Sacrifices

Shocking: Religious Ideology Not Mentioned Once At Egal Shabbat Dinner

Pete Davidson Spotted With Ghost Of Debbie Friedman

New Trader Joe’s Product Blatant Rip-Off Of Iconic Jewish Delicacy

Breaking: Man Who Bageled Too Hard Morphs Into Actual Bagel

Gym Bro Can’t Understand How Haredim Bench Three Times A Day

Suuuure: Homophobic Rabbi Desperate To Connect Pride Month And Canadian Wildfires

Girl Unable To Find NJB Settles For Circumcised Mormon

Non-Jewish Plumber Psyched Business Really Picking Up This Weekend For Some Reason

Leaked: Marvel Developing Bamba Baby Disney+ Miniseries 

Inspiring: Pre-Pubescent Teen Wears Fake Beard For Omer

Shocking: Book Bought From Judaica Store Never Going To Be Read

Report: Israel Manages To Be Only Country With No Flaws

Sad: Omer Advent Calendar Just Leftover Passover Products

Whoops! Coachella Books Same Headliners As Yossi’s Bar Mitzvah Party

Shocking: Easter Bunny Caught Breaking Into Jewish Home, Chugging Eliyahu’s Cup

Mom Adds Xanax To Seder Plate After Seeing On Facebook Reels

Breaking: Kanye Likes Jewish People Again

Scandalous: Romance Novel “Forbidden Love: The Kohen And The Divorcee” Banned From Synagogue Book Club

Breaking: Peace Talks Between College Hillel And Chabad At Complete Standstill

Zionist Group Protests Media Reports On Toxic Chemicals In East Palestine, Ohio

Atheist Mom Disowns Son For Marrying Non-Jew

Weird: Nothing Antisemitic In The News Today

Breaking: Paskez Introduces New Bar Mitzvah Candy Crossbow For Maximum Impact

Man Pissed “Yalla” Not Accepted By NYT Spelling Bee

Secular College Student Plagued With Nightmares About Falling Off Derech

AI Megillah Reading Devolves Into Mayhem After Not Programmed To Pause For Booing

Get Over Yourself: Costumeless Guy At Purim Party Apparently Too Cool To Celebrate 

Kosher Butcher Awake At 2am Feverishly Pouring Over Pictures Of Giraffe Necks

Uh Oh: Casual Ben Platt Hater Accidentally Joins Neo-Nazi Protest

Report: Everyone Really Just Guessing At Hebrew Bananagrams

Exposed: JNF Did Not Actually Plant That Tree In Your Sister’s Memory

Breaking: New Mr. Beast Video Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Mysterious: Yeshiva TV Loses Power During Rihanna Half Time Show

Inspiring: Israeli Makes Aliyah, Moves To Queens

Report: Kosher-Style Deli Makes Great Ham Sandwich

Man Born On Tu BiShvat Mistaken For Tree

Family Concerned Why Nice Jewish Boy Like You Still Single

Haredi Political Party Announces New Plan To Combat Climate Change: Moshiach

Scandalous: Woman Throws Sheitel On Stage At Harry Styles Concert

Proposal Immediately Ruined After Man Pronounces Beshert “Ba-Shart”

New Study Confirms Whole Wide World Bridge, Very Narrow Bridge

Lonely Man Attends Services In Hopes Some Old Woman Calls Him “A Handsome Young Man”

Child’s Memories Of Disneyland Ruined By Mom’s Cooler Of Kosher Salami Sandwiches

Sex, Murder, Matzah: White Lotus Season Three To Take Place At Passover Program

Brave: Son Volunteers Dad As Tribute After Minyan Goes Three Months Without Mourner’s Kaddish

JSwipe In Small Midwestern Town Features Four Accounts, All Cousins

Man Confused By Times Square Crowd Staring At Sky, Saw Three Stars Hours Ago

Exciting: Grandma Found You Nice Jewish Girl Living Only 1,800 Miles Away

Over It At This Point: Man Gives Girlfriend “Dick In A Box” For Eighth Consecutive Night

Property Brothers Announce New HGTV Show Fixing Up Remains Of Second Temple

Chinese Restaurant Checks For Circumcisions At Door On Christmas Eve

Just In Time For Gifting Season: Rabbinate Drops New Cryptocurrency “GeltCoin”

Brave: Family Places Menorah In Window For 100% Jewish Neighborhood To See

Holiday About Small Amount Of Oil With Big Impact Huge Win For Man With Micropenis

New Bath And Body Works Hanukkah Scented Candles Really Just Not Selling

Demanding, Competitive Parents Hire Dreidel Tutor For Son

Student Struck With Religious Inspiration, Says Shema Before Organic Chemistry Final

Tragic: Woman Digging Through Chulent For Chunk Of Beef Fooled By Meat-Like Potato

Mysterious Floater Friend Belongs To Orthodox, Reform, And Conservative Synagogues

Impressive: Despite Mental Health Disorder, Man Manages To Go Entire Day Without Praising Hitler

Local Whore Goes On 5 Shidduch Dates Before Marriage

Report: Assimilation Numbers Skyrocket After Third Temple Location Revealed To Be Cleveland

Incredible: Son Ends Call With Jewish Mother, Only Says “Alright, Okay” Twice

Awkward: Kanye Burns Through Antisemitic Small Talk 5 Minutes Into Lunch With Trump

Tzadik: Uncle David Drinks All Four Cups On Thanksgiving

Elon Musk Frantically Leaves 8th Voicemail For Jews Who Control Media

Lil Nas X Releases New Single, “I Have No Strong Feelings About Jews One Way Or The Other”

Shidduch Date First Timers Accidentally Get Hotel Room Instead Of Sitting In Lobby

Abraham And Isaac Share Father-Son Binding – Oops! – Bonding Time

Marvel Unveils New Jewish Superhero, “Guy Who Gives A Lot Of Tzedakah”

Report: Antisemite Faces Consequences For Anti-Semitism

Actually, We Have Our Own Version Of Halloween,” Says Jew At Halloween Party

Shocking: Rabbi Fails To Find Rule Prohibiting Dogs From Reading Torah

Trendy: Depop Seller Lists “Y2K Micro-Hat”

Tragic: Sabbath Interrupts Swiftie’s 18-Hour “Midnights” Listening Streak

Progressive: Synagogue Considers Allowing Women To Glance At Torah During Hakafot

Big Bad Wolf Delighted To Find Three Little Pigs Sleeping In One Sukkah

Slut Era: Absolutely Filthy Schach Shows Off All The Stars

College Hillel Struggling To Rebuild In Aftermath Of “Pizza In The Hut” Pepperoni Incident

Took Long Enough: Kanye Finally Brought The Jews Into It

Stop Everything: Little Dog Has Little Dog Sukkah

Report: Etrog Just Gnarly Undercover Lemon

Cantor Experimenting With Funky New Tune Absolutely Bombing

Man Swinging Chicken Over Head Participating In Completely Normal Religious Practice

Man At Yom Kippur Services Downing Listerine Strips Like There’s No Tomorrow

Report: MDMA Only Slightly Better Than Yom Kippur Cantor Saying “Let’s Skip Ahead A Few Pages”

Breaking: Antisemitism Completely Eradicated Thanks To Miami Boys Choir Tiktok Trend

Jewish Student Symbolically Emails Jewish Professor About Upcoming Jewish Holiday

Heartwarming: Man Actually Believes He Will Better Himself This Year

Doubtful: Fifth Consecutive Man Thinks He’ll Be One To Correctly Blow Shofar

Inspiring: Friend Suddenly Religious Again When Parents Visit Campus

Bat Mitzvah Girl Leading Services Apparently Also Auditioning For American Idol

Jewish American Grandmother Heartbroken Over Death Of Anglo-Saxon Protestant Woman

Leonardo DiCaprio Abandons Jewish Conversion Plans After Discovering Shabbat 25 Hours Long

“You’ve Come To The Right Place”: Supreme Court Justices Psyched To Take On YU Discrimination Case

Inspiring: Man Washes Balls Over Meat Sink

In Last-Ditch Effort To Quell LGBTQ+ Campus Life, YU Cancels “Handjob Wednesdays”

Brave: Reform Rabbi Resisting Temptation To Play Bongos

OnlySimchas Announces NSFW Sister Site Featuring Non-Shomer Engagement Photos

Guy On First NCSY Shabbaton Hopes Girls Impressed By How Good He Is At Helping Stack Chairs

Camp Gazebo Officially Named “Second Best Handjob Spot”

Enemies To Lovers: New York Jew And L.A. Jew Have Camp Fling

Jewish High School Renames Advanced Math Course “Ap Calc BCE”

Time Warp: Scientists Discover Temporal Anomaly Where Last 10 Minutes Of Fast Actually 3 Years Long

Jews Nationwide Pause Mourning Current Tragedy, Mourn 2000-Year-Old Tragedy

Camper Absolutely Psyched For Jewish Holiday Of Sitting Indoors And Watching “The Blind Side”

Sicko: Jewish A Capella Stan Enjoying Three Weeks Way Too Much

Jewish Comedian Scrambling To Rewrite Entire Set For Show In Salt Lake City

Read The Room: Woman Has Nerve To Criticize Israel Just 4 Months And 3 Days After Yom HaShoah

Groundbreaking: Yeshiva Boy In Search Of Fresh New Look Buys Round Glasses

Report: Fiddler Still On Roof

Man Really Hamming It Up During Hagbah To Beat Micropenis Allegations

Family Dog’s DNA Test Comes Back 100% Ashkenazi Jewish

Finally, Some Representation: “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” Hires Half-Jewish Extra

Ramah Boy’s Bunk Reaches Consensus: Nyack 6 Is Moshava IO 9

No, I Won’t Stay For Shabbos: ‘Minyan Man’ Just Wants To Be Known As Jeff

Oh No: “American Jews” Trending Again

Breakaway Minyan Quickly Becoming Very Thing It Sought To Destroy

“You’re The First Jew I’ve Ever Met,” Says Man Who Makes Jews Scared To Reveal They Jewish

Local Man Keeps Kosher But Eats Out Vegetarians

Walk Of Shame: Girl Returns From Shabbos Walk After Havdala

Rabbinate Considering New Ways To Wrap Tefillin After Widespread Firework Mishaps

Off-The-Derech Yeshiva Boy Has Religious Revelation While Juuling At Kotel

Study Discovers Horniest Place On Earth: Your Campus Hillel’s Shabbat Service

El Al Offers Special Deal On Flights To Cyprus In Honor Of Pride Month

Overenthusiastic Birthright Attendee Accidentally Makes Aliyah

Brave: Bradley Cooper’s Prosthetic Jew Nose For “Maestro” Makes Antisemitism Sexy Again

Report: Ancient Manuscript Reveals It Was Adam and Steve All Along

Heartwarming: Student Returns From Gap Year Inspired, Excited To Forget It All By End Of Summer

Birthright Participant Feels Deep Connection To Holy Land After Publicly Urinating Across Country

Self-Starter: College Student Pays Just $400 To Intern In Israel

Whatever Helps You Sleep At Night: JTS Alumna Claims She Attended Columbia

OU Releases New Line Of Merchandise For Kosher Hot Girl Summer

Man Pretends He Just Washed To Avoid Awkward Conversation

Tragic: Borderline Incestuous Camp Friend Group Contracts Mono

About Time: Orthodox Union Officially Labels Timothée Chalamet Fans Idolaters

CDC Report Shows Rising Omer Numbers, Institutes Lactaid Mandate For Upcoming Shavuot

Not Again: Teaneck Mom Swears This The Year She Makes Aliyah

Israel To Legalize Late-Term Abortions In Bid To Win Over American Left

Student Learning About Camp David Accords Pretty Sure She Has Friend That Went There

Husband Material: Sweaty Guy At Frat Party Claims To Be ‘Basically Jewish’

Local Heretic Eats Pastrami On White Bread

Seder Ruined By Know-It-All Teen In Atheist Phase

Breaking: New Evidence Suggests Matzah Invented By Ancient Jews Who Didn’t Want To Poop In Desert

Stoner Regrets Getting High On Passover, Only Has Hillel Sandwich To Satisfy Munchies

Child Searching For Afikomen Stumbles Upon Adoption Certificate

Breaking: Grandma Really Shouldn’t Have Drank All Four Cups Of Wine

Brave: Beverly Hills Jew In 5-Star Hotel Finds Way To Feel That She Herself Freed From Egypt

Local Man Breaks Out Crusty, Decade-Old Passover Toothbrush

Bar Mitzvah Held On Top Of Masada Ruined By Being Held On Top Of Masada

Smash-Hit Card Game ‘Jewish Apples To Apples’ Prompts Spinoff ‘Jewish Pictionary’

Heartwarming: “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)” Plays During Bat Mitzvah Montage

Devastating: BBYO Shabbaton Rookie Accidentally Says Two Lies And A Truth

Man Exiled From Lakewood After Wife Says Hamotzi At Shabbat Table

Climate Change Solved: Elders Of Zion Finally Fix Weather-Control Machine

Scandalous: Local Mezuzah Clearly Dirty Little Slut For Kisses

Tragic: Leftover Poppyseed Hamantaschen Served As Dessert For Third Consecutive Week

L’Chaim: Manischewitz To Release Hard Seltzer Brand Targeted At College Hillels

Reform Congregation Ditches Traditional Prayer, Switches To Rap Battles

Student Suspended After Shouting ‘Sour Cream’ During Birkat Hamazon For Third Time This Week

Inappropriate: Students Chant “Color War Breakout” At Assembly About Ukraine

Serial Mohel Leaves Trail Of Foreskin In His Wake

Purim And St. Patrick’s Day Fall On Same Day In Win For Alcoholism

Wholesome: Man’s House Vandalized After Giving Out Veggie Straws For Mishloach Manot

Girlboss: Sources Reveal Esther Was First Woman To Try Intermittent Fasting

Pathetic: Local Fourth Grader Can’t Fold Hamantaschen Correctly

Shocking: BDS Still A Thing Even Though Gal Gadot Is Hot

Lone Soldier Shocked Israeli Army Significantly Harder Than Camp IDF Day

Innovative: New Breakaway Minyan Skips Praying, Goes Straight To Whiskey At 10AM

Shabbos Goy Promoted To Full-Time Goy

Rabbi Declares It Forbidden To Carry Guilt On Shabbat Without Eruv

Report: Couple Really Grinding It Out At Zusha Concert

Good News: War In Europe Not About Hating Jews Yet

Very Cool: Vatican Pays Homage To Christ’s Jewish Ancestry, Makes Manischewitz Official Communion Wine

Where’s Waldo? More Like “Who’s Waldo?”: Beloved Cartoon Character Confirmed To Be Fleeing Gestapo Agent

Man Stoned To Death For Plowing Your Mom On Shabbat

Only Jewish Employee At Kosher Pizzeria Makes Big Bucks Just To Turn On Ovens

Man Leaves YU Seforim Sale With No Marriage Prospects, Only Books

NCSY Shabbaton Participant Sitting On Hotel Floor With New Friends Doesn’t Realize Life Downhill From Here

Cheap Boyfriend Claims God Wouldn’t Want Him To Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Jewish Bengals Fans Raise Concerns About Pigskin Kashrut After Absolutely Eating It

Report: Trader Joe’s Employee Doesn’t Know What ‘Choomus’ Is 

Impressive: Birthright Attendee Beats Odds, Drowns In Dead Sea

Jew Offered Knuckle Sandwich, Asks To Wash First

As Conservative Movement Dies, USY Hookup Point System Faces Inflation

Jewish Students Everywhere Thank Whoopi Goldberg For New Reason To Post Infographics

Former Washington Football Team Chooses “Jews” As New Culturally Insensitive Mascot

Report: Guy Putting Head Down For Tachanun Clearly Just Playing Wordle

Man Wrestling Uncontrollable Urge To Fix Bike Chain On Shabbat

Aggressive AIPAC College Student Secretly Disappointed By Lack Of BDS On Campus

Breaking: Jewish Day Schools Just Hiring Strangers At El-Al Arrival Gate As Hebrew Teachers

Zionist Icon: Man Has Israeli Flag Jibbit In Crocs

Man on Deathbed Scrambling to Finish Bar Mitzvah Thank You Notes

So Progressive: Rabbi Announces He Supports People’s Choice To Be Gay

Nation Shocked To See Rampant Jew-Hatred After Making No Effort To Stop Rampant Jew-Hatred

Kippah Hanging Onto Side Of Head For Dear Life

“I Mean, I Still Don’t Eat Pork,” Says Teen, Clearly Off The Derech

New Birthright Extension Program Just Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings

Trees Thinking Of Just Staying In For Birthday This Year

Report: Bar Mitzvah Boy Lists Deceased Relatives For Entirety Of Speech

Concerning: New App “Kinder” Lets Jewish Moms Create Dating Profiles For Their Kids

White South African Jew Insists He Is Technically African-American at College Interview

Uh-Oh: Rabbi On Synagogue Zoom Call Still Cannot Work Out Volume Settings

Marine Biologists Discover New Species Of Gefilte Fish

Suspicious: Man Becomes Religious Just In Time to Cover Growing Bald Spot With Kippah

Amar’e Stoudemire Converts To Islam After YU Basketball Streak Ends

Man Already Regrets New Year’s Resolution Not To Covet Neighbor’s Wife

Severed Fish Head Not Received Well At New Years Party

Breaking: Stern College Women’s Basketball Breaks NCAA Record, Loses 50 Consecutive Games

Uh Oh: Yedid Nefesh Off to Slow Start, Forecast Bleak for Rest of Kabbalat Shabbat

Report: Jewish Publication Still Deems Drake Newsworthy

Local Man Wishes He Was Cohen

Jews Win War On Christmas

University BDS Chapter Disbanded After Realizing Fauda Has English Subtitles

Israelis Shocked To See Australians Have Discovered Blundstones

New NCSY Program Offers Kids Pizza To Ignore Assistant Rabbi

Tragic: Rising Inflation Rates Force Synagogue To Replace Ner Tamid With Ner Sometimes

Tri-State Area Jews Secede From Out-Of-Towners

Brutal: Middle School Boy Rejects Other Boy’s High Five, Says ‘I’m Shomer’

Report: Guy From High School Wears Black Hat Now

Cream Cheese Shortage: Dry Bagels Declared New Bread of Affliction

Orthodox Union Determines Official English Spelling For Festival Of Lights

Local Kosher Bakery Unveils Sufganiyot With Blood Of Christ Filling

Man Decides to Go All Out for Holidays, Wears Menorah Socks

Bubbe Cold Just Watching People On TV At Thanksgiving Parade

Heartwarming: NCSY Rabbi Doesn’t Celebrate Thanksgiving Because He’s Thankful Every Day

Breaking: Columbus Revealed To Be Secretly Jewish, Born Chaim Cholumbutz

Mom Absolutely Losing It Over Parve Dessert That Tastes Dairy

Cool: 7th Grade Just Google Translated “Bitch” Into Hebrew

Man Falls Off Building Onto Woman, Gets Her Pregnant

Synagogue Makes Brave Decision Not to Allow Female President of Board

Report: Israeli Exchange Student Barefoot Again

Embarrassing: Man Taking Talit Into Bathroom Claims Hooks Were Full

Ashkenaz Family Scouring To Find Birchon For Sephardic Guest

Synagogue Rolling In Cash After Auctioning NFT Of Rare Carlebach Audio

Local Convert Disappointed He Can No Longer Cook Calf In Mother’s Milk

American Yeshiva Student With New Blundstones, Rav-Kav, Basically Israeli Now

Students Baffled By Non-Jewish Teacher Saying “Shabbat Shalom”

BREAKING: Israeli Chief Rabbinate Declares Cats Kosher To Fix Stray Cat Problem

Local Bigshot Uses Word “Diaspora”

2nd Grader Devastated To Discover Veggietales Actually Christian

Rabbi Clearly Having Hard Time Forcing Sports Analogy Into D’var Torah

Area Kid Singing Adon Olam On Bimah Hoping This Will Be His Big Break

Local campus Hillel Proves Pluralism Is Totally Possible As Long As No One Interacts With Each Other

Hebrew School Teacher Turns On Projector, Shows Raiders Of The Lost Ark Again

Dior Makes A Splash With New Cologne Scent “Packed Chareidi Bus”

Report: Cheshvan Still Sucks

Syrian Community Petitions UN To Recognize Deal, New Jersey As Heritage Site

Scandalous: Elite Chocolate Cow’s Homophobic Tweets Discovered

OU Heksher Council Denies Impossible Pork Certification On Grounds That It May Lead To Mixed Dancing

Uh Oh: The Fax Machine At The Ohel Is Jammed Again

Man On Brink Of Divorce Definitely Sleeping In Sukkah For Religious Reasons

Man Who Has Never Made Etrog Jam In His Life Swears This The Year He Finally Makes Etrog Jam

MorningStar Farms® Chik’n Nuggets Sales Spike Thanks To Vegan Kapparot

Fashion Emergency: Entire Community Spotted Wearing White After Labor Day

Man With Long Spiralling Shofar Clearly Compensating For Weak Tekiah Gedolah

So Cool: Synagogue Hands Out Kooky 5782 Glasses To Jazz Up Holiday Prayers

Star Student Kicks Off Semester By Missing First Month Of Classes

Report: Pomegranate Only Has 612 Seeds This Year

Business Owner In Rural Town Hoping Summer Profits Will Last Until Local Jewish Camp Reopens Next Year

Man In Political Debate Just Itching To Bring Up Holocaust

Crisis Averted: Airport Jews Find 10th To Help Make A Scene

Pretty Badass: Camper Wearing Tzitzit Over T-Shirt

Man Still Can’t Smell Bisamim Post-Delta Variant, Trapped In Never-Ending Shabbat

Recently Uncovered Challah Embarrassed To Find Out Bracha Made On Wine First

OnlySimchas CEO Bans Wedding Photos From Platform

Report: There’s A Dinosaur Knocking At My Door

Noted Goy John Mulaney Really Regrets Agreeing To Circumcision For Jewish Ex-Wife

Report: Tzedakah Box At Kosher Restaurant Has Not Been Emptied For Full Decade

Bald Man Stares Longingly At Klipped Kippah, Yearns For Days Gone By

19-Year-Old Syrian Bride Carded At Own Wedding

Yad Vashem’s First Annual Fun Run Canceled, For Obvious Reasons

Brawl Erupts in Mad Dash for Mini Hot Dogs at Bar Mitzvah Kiddush

Anti-Israel Liberal Begrudgingly Admits Kibbutz Only Example Of Communism Actually Working

Eight Day Old Absolutely Shitfaced At 11 AM

Local Kid Won’t Stop Talking About NFTY, For Some Reason

Anti-Semitic Fish Voices Fear Of One Day Becoming Gefilte

Changing The Game: Visionary High Schooler Starts Tznius Fashion Instagram

Local Girl Broken-Hearted, Inconsolable After Not Receiving Any Tu B’Av Cards

Inspiring: Ben & Jerry’s Releases New Partition Plan Flavor

Brave Student Changes Phone To Military Time In Solidarity With Boyfriend In IDF

So That’s What That Is: Charedi Man Discovers He’s Had A Foreskin This Whole Time

Frustrated Gabai’s Hand Signals Doing Most Of Work For Underprepared Bar Mitzvah Boy

Kindergarden Class Shaken By Sudden Divorce Of Shabbos Ema and Abba

High Schooler Really Leaning On Watermelon Juul To Get Through Fast

Tisha B’av Easily Worst Day of Fourth Grader’s Summer Camp Experience

Only Eating Into Own Free Time: USY Participants Unaware Their Friends Worked Really Hard To Plan Program For Them

Woman Just Added To Group Chat Meticulously Clicking Through Every Member’s WhatsApp Profile Photo

Synagogue Unveils Revolutionary New Logo, Features Fire, Book

Local Wal-Mart Opens Kosher Aisle, Features Matzah In July, Food That Isn’t Kosher

Man has Not Put on Tefillin Today, Despite What He just Told that Chabad Man on the Street

Absolute Maniac Posts WhatsApp Status

JCC Man Starting to Think 6’10” Muscle-Bound Black Dude Playing Basketball Not Actually Jewish

BREAKING: NCSY Reveals Shomer Negiah Fabricated To Prevent Shabbaton Hookups

Finally: New BBYO Program Teaches Teens How to be Followers

Jew Spots Other Jew on Campus, Wants Him to Know He’s Also Jewish

Close Call: Campus Jewish Organization Added To University Diversity Meeting At Last Second

Local Non-Jew Wondering Why Her Roommate Keeps Complaining About the Temperature While Making Direct Eye Contact Every Saturday

BREAKING: Carbon Dioxide Loses Hechsher, SodaStream Stocks Plummet

Jewish Day School Career Day Invites Non-Lawyers and Non-Doctors for First Time

Awe-Inspiring: Jewish A Capella Group Sings “One Day”

Overworked Oven Can’t Wait To Be Put On Shabbat Mode

Middle-Aged Jewish Man Refuses to Take Vaccine, Doesn’t Mind Eating Herring from Kiddush 3 Weeks Ago

Prospective Student at College Fair Way Too Worried About BDS on Campus, Considering He Probably Won’t Even Get In

Jewish Apples to Apples not as Fun as Local Third Grader Expected

Local Grandma Can’t Understand Why Jon Stewart is Black Now

Lactose Intolerant Ashkenaz Masochist Serves Third Cheesecake Of Shavuot

Campus Chabad Giving Out Branded Crap like There’s No Tomorrow

Tragic: This Man Forgot to Count Omer Last Night

Antisemitic Professor Fails Student Who was Absent Whole Semester, Never Turned in Assignments, Just Because He’s Jewish

College Senior Announces Plans to Become 40 Year Old Man Playing Basketball at the JCC After Graduation

Heartwarming: Nine Year Old Girl Inspires Community, Donates to Locks For Love

FOOD FALLING FROM THE FUCKING SKY

Instagram Activist Calls Out Non-Jewish Friends Who Posted for Earth Day and Not Tu Bishvat

Following Widespread Lashon Hara, Lepers Protest Cancel Culture

Confused Dominatrix Accidentally Attends Rally for BDS Movement

Uh Oh: The Goy Just Touched the Wine Bottle at the Dinner Table

Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember

Study Finds Debbie Friedman’s “Mi Shebeirach” More Effective Than Moderna, Pfizer, And Johnson & Johnson Vaccines

After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed to Discover Israel is Just More Desert

Miracle Baby Born Without IBS

Entire Building Disturbed by Sounds of Local Student on Phone with Grandmother

Local Father Waterboarded but Still Won’t Reveal Afikoman Hiding Spot

Sephardic COVID Patient Relieved to Lose Sense of Taste Right Before Visiting Ashkenaz In-Laws for Passover

Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish

Lonely College Girl Browses @OnlySimchas Instagram at 3AM

Overly-passionate Congregation’s Boos Starting to Hurt Megillah Reader’s Feelings

Intervention Held for Friend Who Prefers Poppy Seed Hamantaschen

Chabad Rabbi Takes Purim Seudah to Next Level, Shoots Heroin Until Unable to Tell Difference Between Haman and Mordechai

Baby in Back of Synagogue Must Like REALLY Hate Haman

Local Non-Jew Opens Sunkist Fruit Gem Before the Bat Mitzvah Kid is Done With Maftir, Disrupts Entire Service

Student Rejected from 14 Internships, Insists Working at Summer Camp Looks More Impressive on Resume Anyways

Area Kid Went on Gap Year; We Get It

Zoom Hillel Doesn’t Hit Like it Used To

SHOCKING: Community Outraged by Rampant Ashkenormativity at Kugelfest

Hillel Member Posts Infographic to Instagram Story, Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Embarrassing: Ashkenaz Couple’s Surprise Familial Relation Reflects Poorly on Jewish Geography Skills

Bear Attack Ruins High School Shabbaton; Lots of Students in Woods for Some Reason

SHOCKING: Bar Mitzvah Speech Makes Sense?

Oh No: Camp Rabbi Pulling Out Guitar for Some Reason

Bar Mitzvah Theme Makes Area Kid Seem Way More into Basketball than He Really Is

Adventurous HaKotel Alum Decides to Leave the Jewish bubble, Attends Maryland

Admissions Scandal: 8 Separate Ramah Campers Claim They Led Final Camp Havdalah in Admission Essays

Yet Another Yeshiva Boys Choir Member Goes Missing After Reaching Puberty

Recent Divorcee Beating Willow Branch on Floor Definitely Going Through Something

New Record for Loudest Sound Ever Heard: Grandma Whispered in Synagogue

Jewish Cemetery Vandalized With Graffiti Portraits of Shimon Peres, Community Confused

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