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Category Archives: News
Man Who Has Never Made Etrog Jam In His Life Swears This The Year He Finally Makes Etrog Jam
OAK PARK, MI — In a press release this week, accountant and local block party host Aryeh Gerber has vowed that this year will finally be the year that he makes jam out of the citrus used as part of the celebration of Sukkot. “This year, I’m really gonna do it,” stated Gerber at hisContinue reading “Man Who Has Never Made Etrog Jam In His Life Swears This The Year He Finally Makes Etrog Jam”
MorningStar Farms® Chik’n Nuggets Sales Spike Thanks To Vegan Kapparot
BROOKLYN, NY — In the week preceding Yom Kippur, MorningStar Farms® stock interests have skyrocketed. Explanations eluded leading economists, until Yonatan Glickman and his family were seen standing in their kitchen waving a bag of MorningStar Farms® Veggie Chik’n Nuggets around each of their heads as they completed the customary atonement ritual called Kapparot. The GlickmanContinue reading “MorningStar Farms® Chik’n Nuggets Sales Spike Thanks To Vegan Kapparot”
Fashion Emergency: Entire Community Spotted Wearing White After Labor Day
LOS ANGELES, CA — At 8 p.m. on Wednesday, in a bombshell move that sent shockwaves throughout the California fashion scene, hundreds – if not thousands – of families were seen walking through the Pico-Robertson area wearing all white, merely a week and a half after labor day. Fashion critic Angelica Judd rushed to the sceneContinue reading “Fashion Emergency: Entire Community Spotted Wearing White After Labor Day”
Man With Long Spiralling Shofar Clearly Compensating For Weak Tekiah Gedolah
SILVER SPRING, MD — Rumors have been circulating that local man with massive shofar Avi Stoltz can hardly maintain a clear note for twenty seconds. Despite the elegant and elaborate shofar in his possession, many are now speculating that his actual shofar skills, in reality, blow. Congregants at Stoltz’s synagogue, Temple Beth David, were ableContinue reading “Man With Long Spiralling Shofar Clearly Compensating For Weak Tekiah Gedolah”
So Cool: Synagogue Hands Out Kooky 5782 Glasses To Jazz Up Holiday Prayers
Report: Pomegranate Only Has 612 Seeds This Year
LAWRENCE, NY — Yesterday, Shimmy Levi did what he does every year before Rosh Hashana; he counted the seeds in his pomegranate. But after an hour of sorting, Levi was shocked to discover the holy fruit only had 612 seeds. The tradition began three years ago, when a friend speculated that there was no wayContinue reading “Report: Pomegranate Only Has 612 Seeds This Year”
Star Student Kicks Off Semester By Missing First Month Of Classes
NEW HAVEN, CT — Yale History major Anna Kuniansky announced recently in a series of emails to professors that she plans to kick off her junior year by missing nearly every class for the first month. The email, which she copied and pasted into slightly different formats to send to each course instructor, explained, “dueContinue reading “Star Student Kicks Off Semester By Missing First Month Of Classes”
Business Owner In Rural Town Hoping Summer Profits Will Last Until Local Jewish Camp Reopens Next Year
STARLIGHT, PA — In the wake of a summer of unprecedented profits, local gift shop and general store owner Frank Hoddard has been left to wonder if his business will survive until the neighboring Jewish camp opens up next year. Hoddard’s store, The Goose’s Egg, sold a historic number of flannel shirts and patterned fluffy socksContinue reading “Business Owner In Rural Town Hoping Summer Profits Will Last Until Local Jewish Camp Reopens Next Year”
Man In Political Debate Just Itching To Bring Up Holocaust
NEW YORK, NY — Engaged in a heated debate about gun control, New York University sophomore Rafi Melamed could barely contain his excitement at the prospect of using the most devastating human tragedy in modern history to further his argument. According to eyewitnesses, Melamed’s face turned a bright red and large veins protruded from hisContinue reading “Man In Political Debate Just Itching To Bring Up Holocaust”
