You may be stuck with a larger-than-average nose and those awfully uncomfortable horns, but you don’t always have to be seen by goyim as the token Jew. Here are a few helpful tips on how you can get non-jews to think you’re just as frivolous as they are.
1. Buy into your cousin’s startup
Tel Aviv may be hopping with new successful startups to invest in, but everyone knows your cousin Yossi’s tie-dye tzitzit shop isn’t taking off. Throwing a couple hundred dollars his way could convince your family that you actually believe in his potential, and will show the world you’re not as stingy as the antisemites believe you are. Bonus points if you never see that money again.
2. Keep the Change
Even if you’re using a credit card, using the phrase “keep the change” will make the Macy’s cashier question if Baptists can have noses that big.
3. The old tzedakah trick
Turn that loose change into a respectful display of warm-hearted benevolence in no time by folding a 2 dollar bill very carefully so people think it’s a twenty and stuffing it conspicuously into the Tzedakah box during the busiest Kiddush of the year. Use this to trick your Bubbe into thinking that you actually did invest your Bar Mitzvah money.
4. The homeless switcheroo
Get your friend from Yeshiva to pose as a homeless beggar and drop a hundred into his Dunkin’ Donuts cup. Not only will bystanders be shocked at your generous donation, you might even be able to make some money off of those suckers.
5. Go to Vegas
Who said you can’t live it up out west on a budget? Telling your goyishe coworkers about your weekend in Vegas might make it seem like you’re gambling away your fortune like a real gentile when in reality, you could be enjoying a musty yet charming Motel 6 just outside of Reno.