LAWRENCE, NY — Local Jewish man, Jacob Steiner, age 79, was reportedly exceptionally bitter after discovering that the Jewish concept of Heaven is complicated to say the least.
“Well it just isn’t as simple as having a Heaven with lox and bagels instead of halos and harps. There are different concepts ranging from reincarnation, resurrection of the dead, to simply nothingness. But I certainly didn’t expect him to throw something at me when I told him that,” said Rabbi Shlomo Adler after Mr. Steiner allegedly mustered the remaining strength in his arthritis-ridden hands to thrust a book in the direction of Rabbi Adler’s head.
“So first this shmendrik told me that worst-case scenario, hell only lasts up to 11 months, which was a relief frankly. I lived in the Five Towns for the last 50 years, I can handle another 11 months. But now suddenly there’s controversy over whether I’m going to the Garden of Eden, waiting for resurrection, or the Messiah? Give me a break. Unless I’m being resurrected with a full head of hair and a fixed hip I prefer to stay in the ground, thank you very much. And if my first wife Diane is there don’t even think about bringing me back,” groaned Mr. Steiner while repeatedly pressing the call nurse button on his bed’s remote.
At press time, Mr. Steiner was complaining loudly that he would have been a lot stingier with the few hundred dollars he had donated to charities over the course of his lifetime if he had known that rabbinic scholars are in such disagreement over the existence of an afterlife.