THE DESERT, SINAI — In what is being hailed as a large-scale upending of the food service industry, reports are streaming out of the Sinai Desert that food is falling out of the fucking sky.
Witnesses claim that approximately 10,000 pounds of a clear food substance called manna plummeted out of the goddamn sky at sunrise in what has been described by leading meteorologists as “some cloudy-with-a-chance-of-meatballs type bullshit”.
“Dude it was— dude. Like you don’t even understand man. Like I was just sitting there burning some bush with my pal Elhanan – I mean, studying some Torah – and we felt the munchies coming on, and all of a sudden, just like, tons of food was just like, BAM, dude. You don’t even get it, man,” said Zaphnath-Paaneah son of Yair, who witnessed the scene.
Machnadebai son of Kish, another spectator, described similar feelings of bewilderment from that fateful morning. “Figures. I dragged a hotdog stand out here from fucking Egypt. There we were, in the desert, and people only brought enough unleavened bread for a week. Business was booming! All of a sudden, this clear shit is everywhere? And free? And tastes like whatever you want? Say what you will about the Lord Almighty but he sure isn’t supporting locally owned small businesses.”
Schmear reporters reached out to God for nutrition facts, allergen information, and information about whether the magic sky loaves are ethically-sourced, but God declined to comment.