Uh Oh: The Fax Machine At The Ohel Is Jammed Again

QUEENS, NY — The 27-year-old fax machine at the Ohel, the burial site of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, has jammed for the third time this month, according to reports. The fax machine receives close to 700 kvitlach, prayers written on small pieces of paper addressed to the Rebbe, each day. Now, withContinue reading “Uh Oh: The Fax Machine At The Ohel Is Jammed Again”

Report: Tzedakah Box At Kosher Restaurant Has Not Been Emptied For Full Decade

CROWN HEIGHTS, NY — Sources confirmed on Monday that the tzedakah box on the counter of BBQ Mo’s Kosher Beefhouse has not been emptied since the restaurant’s inception 10 years ago.  “Oh, that thing?” said BBQ Mo’s manager Avraham Singer. “To be honest, I never really noticed we had that.”  Other employees reported similar indifference.Continue reading “Report: Tzedakah Box At Kosher Restaurant Has Not Been Emptied For Full Decade”

Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More

Alright here’s the thing. For years Sefardim have been smug about having longer slichot than us Ashkenazi people. They think they’re better because their slichot lasts a full month, while ours is only two weeks.  But honestly, when you really think about it, why do they need so long? The whole point of slichot isContinue reading “Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More”

Rad! 5 Davening Tricks to Assert Your Dominance in Your Community’s Minyan

If you’re anything like me, you sometimes feel insignificant in the sea of other congregants at your local minyan. Maybe you dream of absolutely shredding some gnarly Tehillim to impress those on the other side of the mechitza. Well, boy oh boy, do I have some tips for you – listen loud and listen clear,Continue reading “Rad! 5 Davening Tricks to Assert Your Dominance in Your Community’s Minyan”

FOOD FALLING FROM FUCKING SKY

THE DESERT, SINAI — In what is being hailed as a large-scale upending of the food service industry, reports are streaming out of the Sinai Desert that food is falling out of the fucking sky.  Witnesses claim that approximately 10,000 pounds of a clear food substance called manna plummeted out of the goddamn sky atContinue reading “FOOD FALLING FROM FUCKING SKY”

Jewish Man on Deathbed Disappointed to Learn it is Unclear if we Believe in Heaven

LAWRENCE, NY — Local Jewish man, Jacob Steiner, age 79, was reportedly exceptionally bitter after discovering that the Jewish concept of Heaven is complicated to say the least. “Well it just isn’t as simple as having a Heaven with lox and bagels instead of halos and harps. There are different concepts ranging from reincarnation, resurrectionContinue reading “Jewish Man on Deathbed Disappointed to Learn it is Unclear if we Believe in Heaven”