To be Honest, Haman Could Get It


Have you ever read the Megillah and thought “Damn… Esther really went for the wrong guy”? Because honestly, I’m with you. Not that if I was in her place I wouldn’t have saved all the Jews, but if I’m being totally truthful, I might have gotten distracted once I was in that palace because, to be frank, Haman could get it.

Maybe it’s something about the triangular ears or just his insane, power-hungry ambition, but if I was Mordechai, I’d absolutely bow before Haman, if you catch my drift.

Let’s consider the facts. This man had TEN sons. Clearly, he was doing something right – just ask Zeresh. And I don’t know… just thinking about the kind of person who has the balls to ask the king to throw himself a whole ass parade? If I’m being totally honest – I’d hit that.

I’ve never met the guy, of course, but I’ve gotta assume, based on his manipulative and egotistical personality, that he was an absolute 10. And he knew it. And should we talk about the goddamn audacity you’ve gotta have to build gallows (or, dare I say it, erect a massive pole) in the middle of the city?

This man could get it.

All I’m saying is I’d leave my graggers behind and just scream his name all night. Like, that’s one Amalekite I’d be happy to destroy, over and over again, you feel me?

Listen. I’m not saying he wasn’t evil. I’m not saying Esther wasn’t a hero. All I’m saying is what I know all y’all have been thinking for years – Haman’s a damn snack, and I’d nibble on his triangle ears all year if I could.

Talk about a man who’s well hung.

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