It’s Not A Chilul Hashem If It’s Black Friday

We all know the feeling of seeing a great deal at a store and taking off your kippah so it doesn’t look bad when you go apeshit at a strip mall Best Buy. Boy, oh boy, do I have news for you: On Black Friday, all the rules go out the window. That’s right. OnContinue reading “It’s Not A Chilul Hashem If It’s Black Friday”

Is This Syrian Boy Flirting With Me Or Is He Just Gay

So I’m at this Jew party and I meet this guy. We instantly vibe. He’s dressed well – and I mean well. An oversized cream t-shirt meant to flop against his lanky but somehow still built body. A shirt clearly from Zara, but not one of those $10 tees they have – this one costContinue reading “Is This Syrian Boy Flirting With Me Or Is He Just Gay”

I’m A Fish And I Don’t Want Your Sinful Bread

ATLANTIC OCEAN — Listen here, pal. I don’t care how worried you are this year about God smiting you with a vengeful heavenly fire or some ancient plague. Just because you decided this was the year you were going to eat dairy out doesn’t mean you have to throw all of that guilt on me. Continue reading “I’m A Fish And I Don’t Want Your Sinful Bread”

This Tzom Gedaliah, It’s Time To Reconsider Who Qualifies For A Fast Named After Them

So it’s the Fast of Gedaliah, right? And we’re just supposed to care about some bureaucrat from a million years ago that no one would have heard of if he hadn’t been killed? And not only do we have to care about him, but we have to fast in memory of his death? Why shouldContinue reading “This Tzom Gedaliah, It’s Time To Reconsider Who Qualifies For A Fast Named After Them”

Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More

Alright here’s the thing. For years Sefardim have been smug about having longer slichot than us Ashkenazi people. They think they’re better because their slichot lasts a full month, while ours is only two weeks.  But honestly, when you really think about it, why do they need so long? The whole point of slichot isContinue reading “Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More”

This Side Of Mechitza A Real Sausage Fest

Everyone knows we all go to synagogue for one reason and one reason only: the chicks. What’s better than average sex that you don’t have to feel guilty about because your partner is definitely Jewish? I banged my way through the Egalitarian synagogue I usually go to and decided to try the Sephardic one downContinue reading “This Side Of Mechitza A Real Sausage Fest”

I’m Starting to Think This Niggun is a Billie Eilish Song

Ok so my rabbi brings a “new” niggun from his hometown? Sure… anybody knows that Jews never make new songs. It was a good effort disguising “Bad Guy” with nonsense niggun syllables but still – I’m not buying it. It was a weird song choice but I’m most confused about how the rabbi found outContinue reading “I’m Starting to Think This Niggun is a Billie Eilish Song”

I Promise There isn’t Chametz in my Internet History so you Definitely don’t have to Look There

As you start to search high and low for chametz in your houses, I understand that you’ll need to check under every couch cushion and between every fold in every sweater, but I promise you that there is no chametz in my browser history, so it’s honestly just not even worth looking there. I knowContinue reading “I Promise There isn’t Chametz in my Internet History so you Definitely don’t have to Look There”

I’m in My 20’s and Still Doing the Four Questions. What the Fuck.

I’m the youngest child in my immediate family – including my 17 first cousins – so it makes sense that I did the four questions when I was a kid. Maybe I even did them a little longer than the average person did, right? I mean, no younger siblings or cousins to take over forContinue reading “I’m in My 20’s and Still Doing the Four Questions. What the Fuck.”

The World Does Not Need More Jewish A Cappella Groups

We all flip our latkes in the air sometimes, but if you can no longer do it without singing a Taio Cruz parody, then we can agree on something important — the world does not need any more Jewish a cappella groups. For thousands of years, our Jewish heritage has been kept alive by theContinue reading “The World Does Not Need More Jewish A Cappella Groups”