Trees Thinking Of Just Staying In For Birthday This Year

The Forest — In a statement on Saturday night, one day before Tu Bishvat, the world’s trees announced that they decided to stay in for their birthday this year. “Look,” they said, “in a normal year, we love our collective birthday. We get all barked up and do our leaves all nice, but with allContinue reading “Trees Thinking Of Just Staying In For Birthday This Year”

Jews Win War On Christmas

NORTH POLE, ARCTIC OCEAN — Following a decisive military victory on Thursday the 23rd with the capture of Santa Claus, Jewish communities across the country are celebrating their triumph as they warmly welcome back veterans of the War on Christmas. After years of armed struggles, from the infamous Starbucks front to the dreadful Twitter tactics,Continue reading “Jews Win War On Christmas”

Ego Check: 8 Wars The Jews Didn’t Win

Hanukkah is all about celebrating the Jews beating the Greeks, the underdog rising up against the powerful enemy, light conquering darkness. Jews around the world gather and light candles in their windows for all the neighbors to see because we have allowed ourselves the disillusion that we can trust our goyishe neighbors not to turnContinue reading “Ego Check: 8 Wars The Jews Didn’t Win”

Top 10 Nights of Hanukkah

Yup, it’s that time of year again, that period of several days characterized by consuming obscene amounts of jelly doughnuts and pretending to appreciate the fuzzy socks your aunt gave you — it’s Hanukkah. So, in commemoration of this special holiday, let’s take a look at the top 10 nights of the Festival of Lights.Continue reading “Top 10 Nights of Hanukkah”

Man Decides to Go All Out for Holidays, Wears Menorah Socks

San Francisco, CA — Local accountant and office goofball Jesse Orenstein wowed coworkers this week by showing up to the office wearing festively decorated menorah socks on the first day of Hanukkah. The socks in question were dark blue, with small light blue menorahs stitched onto them. A closer examination revealed numbers on each littleContinue reading “Man Decides to Go All Out for Holidays, Wears Menorah Socks”

It’s Not A Chilul Hashem If It’s Black Friday

We all know the feeling of seeing a great deal at a store and taking off your kippah so it doesn’t look bad when you go apeshit at a strip mall Best Buy. Boy, oh boy, do I have news for you: On Black Friday, all the rules go out the window. That’s right. OnContinue reading “It’s Not A Chilul Hashem If It’s Black Friday”