Ranking Non-Jewish Celebrities by How Jewish they Are

Have you ever looked at a celebrity and thought “man, they have to be Jewish” – only to be disappointed when you check their Wikipedia page? Us too! Which is why we’ve compiled our top ten favorite fake-out goys! These are The Schmear’s official rankings of non-Jewish celebrities based on how Jewish they are.

10. Michael Cera

With his sort of awkward and endearingly neurotic mannerisms, not to mention a head full of curls, you might have suspected Michael Cera may be Jewish. While he isn’t, he is from Ontario, so he’s sure to have mixed it up with some Jews in his life.

9.  Phoebe Waller-Bridge

The sarcasm. The hair. The television writing. Sorry to burst your British bagelling bubble, but Phoebe Waller-Bridge is not Jewish. I’m not the only one who speculated, however, as one of the top google searches for “Is Phoebe Waller-Bridge…” ends in “Jewish”.

8. Danny Devito

This one’s a no-brainer. Short, funny, a little crotchety-looking, balding with hair that sticks out about four inches on each side, Mr. Devito checks enough boxes to make you wonder – but he, sadly, will not count in a minyan.

7. Jimmy Fallon

I figured Jimmy Fallon might be one of those down-low Jews who doesn’t actually practice but is technically Jewish, sort of like a Seth Meyers. Plus he’s loud, dark haired, and lives in New York. Honestly I think SNL cast members should get a free pass, or at least an invite to the Seder.

6. Jorma Taccone

See, I always assumed he was Jewish just because he was in The Lonely Island with Andy Samberg and Akiva Shaffer. It just made sense. Maybe spending so much time with these two Jews just gave him Jewish vibes. Sadly, he’s a goy, but probably the type of goy who would understand niche Jewish jokes. 

5. Rachel Brosnahan 

Yeah, I’m as shocked as you all are that the star of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is not Jewish. It couldn’t have been that hard to find a Jewish female stand-up comic to play the titular role of the Amazon Original, but since she passes I’m willing to bet that she, like Jorma, understands Jewish humor well enough.

4. Mark Ruffalo

I can’t get really specific with Mark as to why he could be Jewish. He just gives off casually Jewish vibes. I could see him having a nice quiet Hannukah at home or enjoying a good blintz. He sort of reminds me of my dad, too, so I guess I’m a little biased. Even though he’s not a Jew, I think he would have fun celebrating Purim with me.

3. Steve Carell

Maybe it’s the nose or his brand of humor, but I figured he had Jewish roots somewhere. Unfortunately, we cannot claim him as part of the tribe, but he still holds a special place in our Jewish hearts.

2. Tina Fey 

Something about being the star of an NBC sitcom based on an NBC sketch comedy show just screams Jewish. Unfortunately Fey, known for her tenure on SNL and her starring role in her own show 30 Rock, is not a member of the tribe. I can still very easily picture her in synagogue, and have seen multiple people that resemble her among the benches.

1. John Mulaney

Anyone that has seen his standup knows this honorary Jew is from a Catholic family, but is married to a Jewish woman; he’s our absolute favorite Jew-ish goy. Funny, awkward, and an SNL writer, Mulaney already has many characteristics of a Jew, but being married to Anna Tendler-Mulaney just takes him over the edge into number one non-jewish Jew territory. Besides having a Jewish wife, he has worked deep in New York showbiz for a long time, no doubt picking up lots of Jewish traits and knowledge. Mazel Tov to John Mulaney for snagging our top goy spot!

All featured images via Wikimedia Commons

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