ITHACA, NY — On Wednesday, Noah Trasser of Dallas, TX, a Senior at the Cornell school of philosophy, turned in his thesis and announced that he has made definitive plans for after graduation. Trasser intends to emotionally prepare for being a 40 year old man playing basketball in the local JCC.
“I was offered a job at a consulting firm, and I’ve thought about going to law school, but I have to be real with myself,” Trasser said. “When I envision my future, I see myself sweating a little too much and shouting a little too loud in the JCC gym, dressed in a 16 year old t-shirt from a synagogue fundraiser and a knee brace, while my kids sit on the bleachers, begging me to leave.”
Trasser’s mother Cheryl has expressed thinly veiled disappointment. “His sister Dana is in medical school at Georgetown and his brother Martin is engaged, but as long as he’s happy…”
“It’s the dream,” Trasser explained. “When I think about putting a sweatband where my hairline used to be and playing with five other middle aged men and a 23 year old who is way more in shape then the rest of us but always joins our games for some reason… I feel at peace.”
Trasser’s roommate, Gabe Kolodner, has indicated his support for the plan. “I can imagine him being way too out of shape to play, but somehow I know he’ll still be king of the court until the preschoolers come in for play time and force him out of the gym.”
“I want to clarify that I don’t want to act like I’m 40 now,” Trasser noted. “But I do know precisely what my life will look like 18 years from now, and I see no point in turning away from that path.”
At press time, Trasser was seen buying tall white socks and filling a water bottle he got at his high school’s Lag Ba’Omer Fun Run.