No Homo: We’re Just Chevrutas

I just have to make something absolutely clear: me and my new chevruta, the ever-so-brilliant Jacob Feinman, are just that – chevrutas. There’s no funny business going on whatsoever. Just two bros shteiging Shmuel Aleph. And sure, we just started perek 18 last Shabbos and we’re already up to perek 21, but that shouldn’t beContinue reading “No Homo: We’re Just Chevrutas”

Anti-Israel Liberal Begrudgingly Admits Kibbutz Only Example Of Communism Actually Working

BERKELEY, CA — In a heated political debate about forms of government that took place in the University of California, Berkeley dining hall this Thursday, left-leaning philosophy major Henry Blake reluctantly supported his pro-communism argument by citing the success of Israeli socialist communes known as Kibbutzim.  “Listen, I’m definitely not the biggest fan of Israel,Continue reading “Anti-Israel Liberal Begrudgingly Admits Kibbutz Only Example Of Communism Actually Working”

Local Girl Broken-Hearted, Inconsolable After Not Receiving Any Tu B’Av Cards

PORTLAND, OR — As the sun set on Sunday, the window for local 10th grader Abby Gelman to receive a card this Tu B’Av came to a close, and with it her hopes and dreams of being loved. Gelman was eagerly looking forward to at least one card – but when the holiday ended, sheContinue reading “Local Girl Broken-Hearted, Inconsolable After Not Receiving Any Tu B’Av Cards”

Only Eating Into Own Free Time: USY Participants Unaware Their Friends Worked Really Hard To Plan Program For Them

ATLANTA, GA – Local USY Director Andrew Zeff has had his hand raised for over 7 minutes now, waiting for high school youth group participants to quiet down and allow the two convention coordinators to continue with the program they had planned. “It should not have to take this long,” said Zeff to the 184Continue reading “Only Eating Into Own Free Time: USY Participants Unaware Their Friends Worked Really Hard To Plan Program For Them”

Man Has Not Put On Tefillin Today, Despite What He Told Chabad Man On Street

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN — When local student Ezra Adler was asked by a bearded man, presumably of Chabad affiliation, if he had put on tefillin that day, it was the lie heard ‘round the world. Though laying phylacteries is traditional for Jewish men over the age of 13 to do every morning, Ezra had notContinue reading “Man Has Not Put On Tefillin Today, Despite What He Told Chabad Man On Street”

10 Athletes You’ll Be Super Proud To Know Are Jewish

As Jews, we aren’t exactly known for our superior sports skills. But, have there been at least 10 successful Jewish athletes throughout the history of humankind? Let’s find out! 1. Sandy KoufaxNJB alert! Koufax was a pitcher for the Brooklyn Dodgers and one of the best arms in baseball. But he chose not to pitchContinue reading “10 Athletes You’ll Be Super Proud To Know Are Jewish”

BREAKING: NCSY Reveals Shomer Negiah Fabricated To Prevent Shabbaton Hook Ups

BOCA RATON, FL  — Shockwaves rippled through the Jewish community this week when Josh Jacobs, the head of national youth group NCSY, admitted that the organization invented shomer negiah in the late 50’s as part of a joint effort with the Orthodox Union to stop high schoolers from engaging in physical acts on Shabbatons. ManyContinue reading “BREAKING: NCSY Reveals Shomer Negiah Fabricated To Prevent Shabbaton Hook Ups”

Jew Spots Other Jew on Campus, Wants Him to Know He’s Also Jewish

NASHVILLE, TN — After spotting a kippah-clad male student crossing campus on Monday, Vanderbilt University Hillel secretary Jacob Rubin reportedly wanted to signal to him that he, too, identified as a member of the Jewish religion. “I tried making eye contact, but he didn’t notice,” Rubin said, still looking over his shoulder and tracking theContinue reading “Jew Spots Other Jew on Campus, Wants Him to Know He’s Also Jewish”

JCC Man Starting to Think 6’10” Muscle-Bound Black Dude Playing Basketball Not Actually Jewish

TENAFLY, NJ — After losing his third straight pickup basketball game at the Bergen County Jewish Community Center by double figures, web developer Micah Barnett found himself wondering if his opponent – a six-foot-ten, 250-lb muscular black man – was indeed Jewish. “Say what you will,” said Barnett, high school color war T-Shirt drenched withContinue reading “JCC Man Starting to Think 6’10” Muscle-Bound Black Dude Playing Basketball Not Actually Jewish”

Close Call: Campus Jewish Organization Added To University Diversity Meeting At Last Second

DAVIDSON, NC — Davidson College Hillel, the only non-Christian religious group on campus, breathed a sigh of relief last Tuesday when they received an email inviting them to participate in the university’s monthly diversity committee meetings.  “We knew they were having these meetings,” said Hillel president Jonathan Weitz on a celebratory walk around campus, “andContinue reading “Close Call: Campus Jewish Organization Added To University Diversity Meeting At Last Second”