New York, NY — in a landmark decision this past Sunday, the Orthodox Union has decided to deny the Impossible Foods company’s new Impossible Pork product a Heksher. At a press conference, a spokesperson for the OU qualified this monumental Beit Din ruling with the simple reasoning that an OU symbol on a product labeled “pork” might lead to dancing with members of the opposite sex for comfort.
“Listen, I don’t mean to sound rude, but you guys are fucking idiots. If you saw an OU on the same label as the word ’pork’, your feeble minds would be shorn in twain like so much sheepswool,” slurred Rabbi Marc Goldfiber, the CEO of the Orthodox Union’s kosher division, while swigging from a pocket flask amidst flashing cameras. “Sure, we’ve done it before with vegan bacon and imitation crab, but this is different. Shut up, don’t ask me how. Who cares? Can we wrap this up? It’s happy hour.”
Once Goldfiber became belligerently drunk during the press conference, he was forcibly removed and other members of the OU Kashrut Certification Council elaborated on his earlier points. “At the end of the day, pork is pork. And fake-pork is also pork. Or not! Who knows? All I can say is to the average person, seeing an OU symbol next to the word ‘Pork’ is terrifying. You’ll freak the fuck out, and then we just can’t be sure that you mindless drones won’t turn to swing dance classes at the YMCA for a feeling of safety – and of course, we just can’t have that.”
As of yet, there has been no halachic source cited for the ruling. When asked about the lack of source material, Goldfiber was recorded saying “Pfft, what?! You guys still read the Gemara? Fucking nerds. Nah, we basically just say what we want these days. A little fear-mongering about intermarriage here, a little bribing a Mashgiach there, bada bing bada boom, that’s how kosher certification works baby. Just like God intended. Oh shit, is this microphone on? Hey if you’re listening to this, check out the donate button on our website! Every dollar helps maintain the integrity and purity of the Jewish community!” ”
Early consumer testing of the Impossible Foods product has actually found that subjects have felt the sudden urge to dance exclusively with Jewish women.