Only Jewish Employee At Kosher Pizzeria Makes Big Bucks Just To Turn On Ovens

ELIZABETH, NJ — Grinning smugly as he turned the oven to 350° Fahrenheit, local teenager Moshe Goldfarb confirmed that he had been hired last week at Jerusalem Pizza in Elizabeth, New Jersey to operate the restaurant’s ovens, thereby circumventing the prohibition of Bishul Akum (cooking by gentiles). “The job really allows me to apply whatContinue reading “Only Jewish Employee At Kosher Pizzeria Makes Big Bucks Just To Turn On Ovens”

Top 5 Jewish Moms You Didn’t Know Eat Out Dairy

1. Rachel Zilbinger  Don’t let the sheitel fool you! Despite being an active member of the local Orthodox community, Rachel was reportedly seen enjoying fettuccine Alfredo and sipping from a glass of wine at Olive Garden last week after a particularly stressful PTA meeting. While we certainly can’t blame her for wanting to take theContinue reading “Top 5 Jewish Moms You Didn’t Know Eat Out Dairy”

Man Falls Off Building Onto Woman, Gets Her Pregnant

JERUSALEM, IL — According to bewildered sources that witnessed the bizarre scene on Ussishkin Street early last month, Avraham Gold, local talmid chacham, accidentally fell off of a building, sticking the landing perfectly into a woman who was located below. Apparently, his fall was broken by the insertion of his erect penis into the woman’sContinue reading “Man Falls Off Building Onto Woman, Gets Her Pregnant”

Local Convert Disappointed He Can No Longer Cook Calf In Mother’s Milk

HOUSTON, TX — Ron Baker, newly converted member of the local Jewish community, was shocked on Wednesday when he discovered the thrice-iterated Biblical prohibition against cooking a kid goat in its mother’s milk.  “I know Judaism is all about restrictions,” Baker said. “But I never thought I’d have to give up boiling baby animals inContinue reading “Local Convert Disappointed He Can No Longer Cook Calf In Mother’s Milk”

BREAKING: Israeli Chief Rabbinate Declares Cats Kosher To Fix Stray Cat Problem

JERUSALEM, IL — A historic shift took place Monday morning as the Chief Rabbinate of Israel officially declared cats as the newest addition to the relatively brief list of kosher animals. The decision comes from years of debate after the concept was initially proposed to curb the rampant feline pest predicament.  “These street cats haveContinue reading “BREAKING: Israeli Chief Rabbinate Declares Cats Kosher To Fix Stray Cat Problem”

OU Heksher Council Denies Impossible Pork Certification On Grounds That It May Lead To Mixed Dancing

New York, NY — in a landmark decision this past Sunday, the Orthodox Union has decided to deny the Impossible Foods company’s new Impossible Pork product a Heksher. At a press conference, a spokesperson for the OU qualified this monumental Beit Din ruling with the simple reasoning that an OU symbol on a product labeledContinue reading “OU Heksher Council Denies Impossible Pork Certification On Grounds That It May Lead To Mixed Dancing”