Man Who Has Never Made Etrog Jam In His Life Swears This The Year He Finally Makes Etrog Jam

OAK PARK, MI — In a press release this week, accountant and local block party host Aryeh Gerber has vowed that this year will finally be the year that he makes jam out of the citrus used as part of the celebration of Sukkot.  “This year, I’m really gonna do it,” stated Gerber at hisContinue reading “Man Who Has Never Made Etrog Jam In His Life Swears This The Year He Finally Makes Etrog Jam”

MorningStar Farms® Chik’n Nuggets Sales Spike Thanks To Vegan Kapparot

BROOKLYN, NY — In the week preceding Yom Kippur, MorningStar Farms® stock interests have skyrocketed. Explanations eluded leading economists, until Yonatan Glickman and his family were seen standing in their kitchen waving a bag of MorningStar Farms® Veggie Chik’n Nuggets around each of their heads as they completed the customary atonement ritual called Kapparot.  The GlickmanContinue reading “MorningStar Farms® Chik’n Nuggets Sales Spike Thanks To Vegan Kapparot”

Man With Long Spiralling Shofar Clearly Compensating For Weak Tekiah Gedolah

SILVER SPRING, MD — Rumors have been circulating that local man with massive shofar Avi Stoltz can hardly maintain a clear note for twenty seconds. Despite the elegant and elaborate shofar in his possession, many are now speculating that his actual shofar skills, in reality, blow.  Congregants at Stoltz’s synagogue, Temple Beth David, were ableContinue reading “Man With Long Spiralling Shofar Clearly Compensating For Weak Tekiah Gedolah”

This Tzom Gedaliah, It’s Time To Reconsider Who Qualifies For A Fast Named After Them

So it’s the Fast of Gedaliah, right? And we’re just supposed to care about some bureaucrat from a million years ago that no one would have heard of if he hadn’t been killed? And not only do we have to care about him, but we have to fast in memory of his death? Why shouldContinue reading “This Tzom Gedaliah, It’s Time To Reconsider Who Qualifies For A Fast Named After Them”

Recently Uncovered Challah Embarrassed To Find Out Bracha Made On Wine First

NEW ROCHELLE, NY — Despite the usage of an embroidered silk cover, a humiliated loaf of challah discovered last Saturday that before the HaMotzi blessing, a blessing had already been made on a cup of wine.  “I’ve always been told you’re supposed to make a bracha on bread first,” said the sobbing and lightly-toasted pretzelContinue reading “Recently Uncovered Challah Embarrassed To Find Out Bracha Made On Wine First”

5 Manischewitz Cocktails To Make Havdalah Havda-lit

Hosting havdalah can be absolutely nerve-wracking. Preparing food and drinks is one thing, not to mention the inevitable judgement that comes with being in any group of Jews – but worry no more! Here are 5 Manischewitz cocktails that will impress even the pickiest of drinkers! Jello Shots: You can’t go wrong with a partyContinue reading “5 Manischewitz Cocktails To Make Havdalah Havda-lit”

Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More

Alright here’s the thing. For years Sefardim have been smug about having longer slichot than us Ashkenazi people. They think they’re better because their slichot lasts a full month, while ours is only two weeks.  But honestly, when you really think about it, why do they need so long? The whole point of slichot isContinue reading “Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More”

Yad Vashem’s First Annual Fun Run Canceled, For Obvious Reasons

JERUSALEM, IL — In a last-minute press release, Yad Vashem has cancelled it’s first annual Yom HaZikaron fun run, citing “obvious reasons.” “We’re surprised the planning process got this far,” a Yad Vashem representative said, preferring to stay anonymous to avoid being connected to this event in any way. “A fun run? On Yom HaZikaron?Continue reading “Yad Vashem’s First Annual Fun Run Canceled, For Obvious Reasons”

5 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Projects That Are Way Cooler Than Raising Money For Some Stupid Charity

We’ve all been to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah where the kid does a project that aims to better their community – and let us be the first to say, big whoop. Oh, cool, you collected food for a food bank! Wow, you raised money for a children’s hospital, how original! If you really wantContinue reading “5 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Projects That Are Way Cooler Than Raising Money For Some Stupid Charity”