I’m Starting to Think This Niggun is a Billie Eilish Song

Ok so my rabbi brings a “new” niggun from his hometown? Sure… anybody knows that Jews never make new songs. It was a good effort disguising “Bad Guy” with nonsense niggun syllables but still – I’m not buying it. It was a weird song choice but I’m most confused about how the rabbi found outContinue reading “I’m Starting to Think This Niggun is a Billie Eilish Song”

Jewish Day School Career Day Invites Non-Lawyers and Non-Doctors for First Time

NEW YORK, NY — Pluralistic Jewish elementary school Kehilat Neshama is giving a new twist to career day this year, with their controversial decision to invite people from professions outside of law and medicine.  The innovative volte-face, announced by the administration in a school-wide email on Monday, has been welcomed by some parents with childrenContinue reading “Jewish Day School Career Day Invites Non-Lawyers and Non-Doctors for First Time”

Awkward: I’ve Been Avoiding this Guy Since Our Souls Met at Har Sinai

I can’t tell you how uncomfortable it is to walk into a Starbucks on the Upper West Side and come face to face with the guy I’ve literally been avoiding since our souls met at Har Sinai. I mean, out of all of the Jewish people from every single generation since the inception of ourContinue reading “Awkward: I’ve Been Avoiding this Guy Since Our Souls Met at Har Sinai”

Following Widespread Lashon Hara, Lepers Protest Cancel Culture

THE DESERT, SINAI PENINSULA —Tattlers across the 12 tribes are reporting that Tzara’at sufferers are agitated at their supposedly unfair ostracization from the Jewish community. Tzara’at, characterized by discolored spots on the hair, skin, clothes, and house, is a disease afflicting those who gossip and spread harmful untruths behind people’s backs. The only known treatmentContinue reading “Following Widespread Lashon Hara, Lepers Protest Cancel Culture”

FOOD FALLING FROM FUCKING SKY

THE DESERT, SINAI — In what is being hailed as a large-scale upending of the food service industry, reports are streaming out of the Sinai Desert that food is falling out of the fucking sky.  Witnesses claim that approximately 10,000 pounds of a clear food substance called manna plummeted out of the goddamn sky atContinue reading “FOOD FALLING FROM FUCKING SKY”

Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember

TAMPA, FL — When Ruthie Mandel came home for Thanksgiving break of her freshman year in college, she knew her parents were going to make her go to shul. She didn’t expect for her trip to the bathroom during the Torah service to bring back such unexpected memories, and certainly didn’t expect a basket ofContinue reading “Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember”

After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed to Discover Israel is Just More Desert

GILGAL, ISRAEL — After 40 years of Moses pumping up the land of Israel, the Jewish people were all disappointed to discover their promised holy homeland is just more fucking desert. “I don’t understand where those spies got that massive fruit from,” Israelite Jebediah Ben Eli said. “We don’t even have drip irrigation yet.”  OtherContinue reading “After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed to Discover Israel is Just More Desert”

On Jewish Dog Names

Editor’s Note: this article originally ran as the lead-in to the March 11th, 2021 newsletter, but by popular demand it is now being posted as a standard article. To avoid missing any more instant classics like this, subscribe to our newsletter on the front page of our website. When you think of the strength andContinue reading “On Jewish Dog Names”

Bar Mitzvah Theme Makes Area Kid Seem Way More into Basketball than He Really Is

MIAMI, FL — When guests walked past the life-size cutout of LeBron James welcoming them to “Ryan’s Home Court” at the Hilton last Saturday night for Ryan Glazer’s bar mitzvah party, then passed under an arch made of basketball balloons and into a ballroom full of tables with centerpieces made of light up hoops whoseContinue reading “Bar Mitzvah Theme Makes Area Kid Seem Way More into Basketball than He Really Is”