Breaking: Columbus Revealed To Be Secretly Jewish, Born Chaim Cholumbutz

GENOA, ITALY — Explorer Christopher Columbus, known for ‘Columbus Day’ and being a genocidal tyrant that caused the deaths of millions of indigenous people, was recently discovered to have been secretly Jewish this whole time, originally born Chaim Cholumbutz.

The truth was uncovered after two years of excavations on what is believed to be one of Cholumbutz’s famous ships, the Santa Maria. Archeologists began to suspect Cholumbutz might have Jewish roots after an Asher Yatzar poster was discovered hanging by the ship restroom.

“We always had an inkling that he had Jewish roots,” said archeologist Sharon Weiser. “He seemingly risked the trip in order to escape the oncoming Spanish Inquisition, which he must have been fully expecting. And just look at the schnoz on that guy!” 

“It just seems suspicious,” said Jacob Rosenthal, local StandWithUs intern. “People stopped celebrating Columbus Day right around the time they learned he’s Jewish. Clearly another attempt by the mainstream media to put down the Jews.”

Other proofs that have been discovered include: two sinks, a Seinfeld: The Complete Series box set, and a small metal box holding a severed foreskin.

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