NEW YORK CITY, NY — Nothing short of a miracle took place at Manhattan’s Mount Sinai Hospital last night, where Melissa and Zev Pressman gave birth to an inexplicably IBS-free baby boy.
The child appears to have been born without the rare intestinal disorder that causes abdominal pain and difficult bowel movements, common to Jews as a result of years of ancestral inbreeding.
While the parents were initially relieved to hear the news about their son — whose name will not be revealed until his parents mutilate him in a ritualistic blood-drawing ceremony while ravenously consuming bagels — they still do have some concerns.
“We were planning on sending him to Jewish day school, after all,” said the new father, pacing back and forth at great speeds. “What if he’s totally socially ostracized as the boy who spends less than half an hour in the stall when he goes to the bathroom?”
Renowned child psychologist Dr. David Sperstein expressed similar thoughts. “Although I can’t comment on what exact steps the new parents should take,” said Dr. Saperstein, “I recommend they encourage their son to pretend he is having stomach issues in elementary school so that he can fit in.
“As he gets older we can hope that he develops lactose intolerance or a severe airborne peanut allergy or one of the more fashionable conditions along those lines.”
At press time, Mount Sinai doctors said they would run tests on the child, but that they were hopeful of his odds for a Crohn’s disease diagnosis.