GILGAL, ISRAEL — After 40 years of Moses pumping up the land of Israel, the Jewish people were all disappointed to discover their promised holy homeland is just more fucking desert.
“I don’t understand where those spies got that massive fruit from,” Israelite Jebediah Ben Eli said. “We don’t even have drip irrigation yet.”
Other Israelites expressed further frustration: “Milk and honey my ass,” quoted Ariel of the tribe of Dan. “At least Egypt had the Nile, plus those big triangle alien spaceship things. We never should have left.”
The tribes Reuben, Gad, and ½ Menasseh were amused by the situation from their side of the Jordan River. “Those donkeys went through all the trouble of crossing a river when they could have just stayed here,” a Gaditte said. “Some holy land. Our side’s clearly got the nicer mountain views.”
It is unknown currently whether or not God killed off Moses before he entered Israel for the express purpose of sparing him from this grave disappointment. At press time, God could not be reached for comment.
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