Man Still Can’t Smell Bisamim Post-Delta Variant, Trapped In Never-Ending Shabbat


LAKEWOOD, NJ — The first Saturday night after his miraculous recovery from Covid-19, community member David Grossman realized he was unable to smell besamim – unfortunately, that’s only where the problem began. 

“If I can’t smell the cloves, I haven’t made a division between the holy and the ordinary,” stated Grossman to the press, after verifying that he is in fact trapped in a time loop by saying sentences at the exact same time as skeptical reporters. “Since I can’t make the Bracha, I’m just trapped in the same Shabbat every day for eternity.” 

Grossman realized he was in a time loop as soon as he arrived for morning prayers the next day, dressed casually for a Sunday Shacharit while the rest of the congregants were in their Shabbat livery. “I thought maybe everyone was going to a wedding I wasn’t invited to,” said Grossman, “but as soon as I heard the rabbi give the same speech again I knew what was up – and I’ll tell ya, that speech did not get more interesting the 4,265th time.” 

“Dad needs to get over it already,” said his 15-year-old daughter, Rivkie. “He complains so much I almost wish we pulled the plug when we had the chance. Don’t tell him I said that. Are we still on the record?”

At this time, the Grossman family is considering a new non-FDA-approved nasal corrective implant that they found out about on Facebook. Other options include learning a charming heartfelt message about treating people with kindness. 

Image via Wikimedia Creative Commons.

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