LAKEWOOD, NJ — The first Saturday night after his miraculous recovery from Covid-19, community member David Grossman realized he was unable to smell besamim – unfortunately, that’s only where the problem began. “If I can’t smell the cloves, I haven’t made a division between the holy and the ordinary,” stated Grossman to the press, afterContinue reading “Man Still Can’t Smell Bisamim Post-Delta Variant, Trapped In Never-Ending Shabbat”
Tag Archives: shabbat
Recently Uncovered Challah Embarrassed To Find Out Bracha Made On Wine First
NEW ROCHELLE, NY — Despite the usage of an embroidered silk cover, a humiliated loaf of challah discovered last Saturday that before the HaMotzi blessing, a blessing had already been made on a cup of wine. “I’ve always been told you’re supposed to make a bracha on bread first,” said the sobbing and lightly-toasted pretzelContinue reading “Recently Uncovered Challah Embarrassed To Find Out Bracha Made On Wine First”
5 Manischewitz Cocktails To Make Havdalah Havda-lit
Hosting havdalah can be absolutely nerve-wracking. Preparing food and drinks is one thing, not to mention the inevitable judgement that comes with being in any group of Jews – but worry no more! Here are 5 Manischewitz cocktails that will impress even the pickiest of drinkers! Jello Shots: You can’t go wrong with a partyContinue reading “5 Manischewitz Cocktails To Make Havdalah Havda-lit”
Report: There’s A Dinosaur Knocking At My Door
Anti-Semitic Fish Voices Fear Of One Day Becoming Gefilte
HUDSON RIVER, NY — Deep in the waters of the Hudson River, byswimmers overheard local fish Blub-Glub McCod loudly exclaim his fear of one day being used in gefilte fish this past Wednesday. “Just the thought of being ground up into one of those gelatinous fish-logs really grinds my gills,” McCod said to his schoolContinue reading “Anti-Semitic Fish Voices Fear Of One Day Becoming Gefilte”
BREAKING: NCSY Reveals Shomer Negiah Fabricated To Prevent Shabbaton Hook Ups
BOCA RATON, FL — Shockwaves rippled through the Jewish community this week when Josh Jacobs, the head of national youth group NCSY, admitted that the organization invented shomer negiah in the late 50’s as part of a joint effort with the Orthodox Union to stop high schoolers from engaging in physical acts on Shabbatons. ManyContinue reading “BREAKING: NCSY Reveals Shomer Negiah Fabricated To Prevent Shabbaton Hook Ups”
Local Non-Jew Wondering Why Her Roommate Keeps Complaining About the Temperature While Making Direct Eye Contact Every Saturday
ANN ARBOR, MI — University of Michigan freshman Savannah Waterford is unsure about why her roommate Yael Berger keeps complaining about the temperature every Saturday until sundown while making awkward eye contact. “That’s not the only thing she does,” Waterford said. “It seems like every Friday night, she gets into bed with the lights on,Continue reading “Local Non-Jew Wondering Why Her Roommate Keeps Complaining About the Temperature While Making Direct Eye Contact Every Saturday”
Overworked Oven Can’t Wait To Be Put On Shabbat Mode
QUEENS, NY — Exhausted by a tough week of high-temperature cooking, a local oven expressed its anticipation to observe a day of rest this weekend by going on Shabbat mode. “I’ve been set at 425 pretty much every night this week,” the oven said as it cooled down from cooking a Thursday night turkey forContinue reading “Overworked Oven Can’t Wait To Be Put On Shabbat Mode”
Admissions Scandal: 8 Separate Ramah Campers Claim They Led Final Camp Havdalah in Admission Essays
WALTHAM, MA — In a shocking breaking story, eight Brandeis applicants referred to the same “final camp Havdalah” in their application essays, all claiming to have led the service. Names of the applicants have not been released, although rumors are spreading that at least 7 of them were in the same Gesher bunk at CampContinue reading “Admissions Scandal: 8 Separate Ramah Campers Claim They Led Final Camp Havdalah in Admission Essays”
Zoom Hillel Doesn’t Hit Like it Used To
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA — Students at the University of Virginia report that Hillel’s Zoom events just aren’t quite doing it for them anymore. Despite the student board’s ongoing attempts at creating engaging activities and services, members of the community feel it just isn’t quite right. “I don’t really feel like I have the time to logContinue reading “Zoom Hillel Doesn’t Hit Like it Used To”
