YOUR CAMPUS HILLEL — A groundbreaking meta-analysis of a sociological survey conducted by the U.S. Census Bureau proved mathematically that the Shabbat services hosted by your campus Hillel are quantitatively the horniest place on Earth. University Hillels proudly offer multiple Friday night services geared towards different denominations of Judaism, all of which are practically anContinue reading “Study Discovers Horniest Place On Earth: Your Campus Hillel’s Shabbat Service”
Tag Archives: shabbat
Man Exiled From Lakewood After Wife Says Hamotzi At Shabbat Table
Tragic: Leftover Poppyseed Hamantaschen Served As Dessert For Third Consecutive Week
Shabbos Goy Promoted To Full-Time Goy
Rabbi Declares It Forbidden To Carry Guilt On Shabbat Without Eruv
OAK PARK, MI — Hoping to encourage a stricter level of Shabbat observance in the community, Rabbi Benjamin Fuchs declared a prohibition last Thursday morning on carrying any form of emotional guilt on Shabbat without a proper Eruv. “I just don’t know how I’m going to get to Shul now,” said Oak Park resident DevorahContinue reading “Rabbi Declares It Forbidden To Carry Guilt On Shabbat Without Eruv”
Man Stoned To Death For Plowing Your Mom On Shabbat
NCSY Shabbaton Participant Sitting On Hotel Floor With New Friends Doesn’t Realize Life Downhill From Here
Man Wrestling Uncontrollable Urge To Fix Bike Chain On Shabbat
Uh Oh: Yedid Nefesh Off to Slow Start, Forecast Bleak for Rest of Kabbalat Shabbat
TEANECK, NJ — A drawn-out “Yedid Nefesh” was heard Friday at sunset in Young Israel of Teaneck, leading to bleak predictions for when services would finally end. Murmurs were heard around the synagogue as members filled with regret that seventy-two-year-old Isaac Rosenberg was allowed to lead Kabbalat Shabbat services for the third time this year. Continue reading “Uh Oh: Yedid Nefesh Off to Slow Start, Forecast Bleak for Rest of Kabbalat Shabbat”
Mom Absolutely Losing It Over Parve Dessert That Tastes Dairy
SKOKIE, IL — Spectators from the Shabbat table of Miriam Finkel yesterday claim they witnessed a bizarre scene when the soccer mom couldn’t seem to stop talking about the Tofutti Cuties she purchased at the kosher grocery store. Finkel had never tasted the delicacy before and had previously been wary of parve ice cream products.Continue reading “Mom Absolutely Losing It Over Parve Dessert That Tastes Dairy”
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