shabbat

Uh Oh: Yedid Nefesh Off to Slow Start, Forecast Bleak for Rest of Kabbalat Shabbat

TEANECK, NJ — A drawn-out “Yedid Nefesh” was heard Friday at sunset in Young Israel of Teaneck, leading to bleak predictions for when services would finally end. Murmurs were heard around the synagogue as members filled with regret that seventy-two-year-old Isaac Rosenberg was allowed to lead Kabbalat Shabbat services for the third time this year. Continue reading “Uh Oh: Yedid Nefesh Off to Slow Start, Forecast Bleak for Rest of Kabbalat Shabbat”

Mom Absolutely Losing It Over Parve Dessert That Tastes Dairy

SKOKIE, IL — Spectators from the Shabbat table of Miriam Finkel yesterday claim they witnessed a bizarre scene when the soccer mom couldn’t seem to stop talking about the Tofutti Cuties she purchased at the kosher grocery store. Finkel had never tasted the delicacy before and had previously been wary of parve ice cream products.Continue reading “Mom Absolutely Losing It Over Parve Dessert That Tastes Dairy”

Ashkenaz Family Scouring To Find Birchon For Sephardic Guest

Students Baffled By Non-Jewish Teacher Saying “Shabbat Shalom”

MIAMI, FL — Students at Miami Hebrew Academy were shocked to their core this Friday morning when physics teacher Christine Harlan bid them “Shabbat Shalom.” Junior Ahuva Wexler said she felt “caught super off guard” at the fact that her teacher knew words in their secret language. Her classmate Evan Rosenthal said, “Most of ourContinue reading “Students Baffled By Non-Jewish Teacher Saying “Shabbat Shalom””

Man Still Can’t Smell Bisamim Post-Delta Variant, Trapped In Never-Ending Shabbat

LAKEWOOD, NJ — The first Saturday night after his miraculous recovery from Covid-19, community member David Grossman realized he was unable to smell besamim – unfortunately, that’s only where the problem began. “If I can’t smell the cloves, I haven’t made a division between the holy and the ordinary,” stated Grossman to the press, afterContinue reading “Man Still Can’t Smell Bisamim Post-Delta Variant, Trapped In Never-Ending Shabbat”

Recently Uncovered Challah Embarrassed To Find Out Bracha Made On Wine First

NEW ROCHELLE, NY — Despite the usage of an embroidered silk cover, a humiliated loaf of challah discovered last Saturday that before the HaMotzi blessing, a blessing had already been made on a cup of wine. “I’ve always been told you’re supposed to make a bracha on bread first,” said the sobbing and lightly-toasted pretzelContinue reading “Recently Uncovered Challah Embarrassed To Find Out Bracha Made On Wine First”

5 Manischewitz Cocktails To Make Havdalah Havda-lit

Hosting havdalah can be absolutely nerve-wracking. Preparing food and drinks is one thing, not to mention the inevitable judgement that comes with being in any group of Jews – but worry no more! Here are 5 Manischewitz cocktails that will impress even the pickiest of drinkers! Jello Shots: You can’t go wrong with a partyContinue reading “5 Manischewitz Cocktails To Make Havdalah Havda-lit”

Report: There’s A Dinosaur Knocking At My Door

Anti-Semitic Fish Voices Fear Of One Day Becoming Gefilte

HUDSON RIVER, NY — Deep in the waters of the Hudson River, byswimmers overheard local fish Blub-Glub McCod loudly exclaim his fear of one day being used in gefilte fish this past Wednesday. “Just the thought of being ground up into one of those gelatinous fish-logs really grinds my gills,” McCod said to his schoolContinue reading “Anti-Semitic Fish Voices Fear Of One Day Becoming Gefilte”

BREAKING: NCSY Reveals Shomer Negiah Fabricated To Prevent Shabbaton Hook Ups

BOCA RATON, FL — Shockwaves rippled through the Jewish community this week when Josh Jacobs, the head of national youth group NCSY, admitted that the organization invented shomer negiah in the late 50’s as part of a joint effort with the Orthodox Union to stop high schoolers from engaging in physical acts on Shabbatons. ManyContinue reading “BREAKING: NCSY Reveals Shomer Negiah Fabricated To Prevent Shabbaton Hook Ups”