1. Tu Bishvat
Oh yeah! Jewish Arbor Day, get ready to party! Everyone knows Tu Bishvat as the top drinking holiday on the Jewish calendar. Wine is technically a fruit if you think about it, so bottoms up!
2. All the Fast Days
We’re counting the fast days throughout the year as just one holiday, just like you’re counting that comically oversized cup as just one glass of wine. Sure some Rabbis might claim that drinking before noon isn’t “in the spirit of the day,” but if you end up hurling it basically balances out.
3. Good Friday
Any day that involves remembering the time we murdered Yoshke the Nazarene is a good day for us! That’s why the Jewish people celebrate Good Friday every year by getting together and drinking – it’s a wonder that the goyim haven’t figured out we’re the ones that named the day.
4. Yom Kippur
Nothing washes away sin like a couple of brewskis, and it definitely won’t be your first time smuggling a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon into shul – you’re gonna need a little buzz if you’re gonna get through atoning for the three times you woke up in a dumpster just over the Aseret Yemei Tshuvah.
5. That Holiday You Can’t Remember the Name of
You know, the one where everyone overeats at dinner. Probably has something to do with wandering in the desert if we had to guess. You blacked out at this holiday every year since your Bar Mitzvah which probably explains why you can’t remember what it’s called.
Let’s be honest. At this point pretending there’s a reason for you to be drinking is just a formality.
7. Groundhog Day
Relieving the same day over and over again sounds familiar, no? At least your life only feels like the same day over and over because you live a depressing, uneventful life with no one to love you. And before you ask, of course standing around in black suits and hats in order to kvetch about the weather is a Jewish tradition.
8. Isru Chag
You don’t even know what this one is, do you? We’re willing to bet you don’t even give a shit, you worthless sad sack. You’re a burnout that hit rock bottom and kept digging. Your Bubby is disappointed in you.
Jewish Halloween is a festive holiday where we dress up in costumes, read the story of Mordecai and Esther from a scroll called the megillah, and of course, have a few shots with the Kiddush Club! L’chaim!