Opinion: I Promise There isn’t Chametz in my Internet History so you Definitely don’t have to Look There

As you start to search high and low for chametz in your houses, I understand that you’ll need to check under every couch cushion and between every fold in every sweater, but I promise you that there is no chametz in my browser history, so it’s honestly just not even worth looking there.

I know how it sounds, but I’m really not hiding anything. I just know for a fact that it’s not very likely to find breadcrumbs, and definitely very unlikely to find 29 searches trying to figure out the spelling of Chanukah. And I am very confident that if you were to look back through my internet history you would find fewer pieces of chametz than the amount of views of the Maccabeats’ “Jewish Despacito” video – and since I’ve never seen that video, much less watched it 11 times in one day, that means there’s even less evidence of bread in my browser history.

Besides, there’s other places to find chametz. In fact, I’m sure there’s some under my bed. So look there. Definitely don’t look in my search history. Not because there’s an embarrassing amount of searches for where to buy canned Bartenura, and not because you might see more pictures of “oddly satisfying slimy gefilte fish ASMR” than you ever needed to see, just because there’s no leavened bread at all hidden there. I mean, I don’t know where you would even find that if you wanted to. Definitely not in my browser history. But why are we talking about that? There’s obviously no chametz there.

I’m really not embarrassed by my browser history. It’s not like I Googled Daveed Diggs over 31 times within a five hour period. I’m just telling you that it’s not worth your time to check, because there are certainly no crumbs there.

But if you do end up sweeping through my room and you come across an internet history full of searches like “food porn challah,” it wasn’t me.

%d bloggers like this: