THE DESERT — On an archaeological excavation last Thursday, noted biblical and Jewish day school teacher, Dr. Albain Halfstead, reportedly discovered a papyrus scroll that explained the historical context behind the invention of matzah. “Those of us familiar with the Old Testament will know the story of the Jews leaving Egypt in such haste thatContinue reading “Breaking: New Evidence Suggests Matzah Invented By Ancient Jews Who Didn’t Want To Poop In Desert”
Tag Archives: seder
Stoner Regrets Getting High On Passover, Only Has Hillel Sandwich To Satisfy Munchies
BROOKLYN, NY – Forgoing the four cups of wine and opting instead for a fat joint, local publicist and social media manager David Fischman found himself at the end of Had Gadya with an incessant case of the munchies. “So I’m holding my joint in one hand while the other is halfway through dialing theContinue reading “Stoner Regrets Getting High On Passover, Only Has Hillel Sandwich To Satisfy Munchies”
Child Searching For Afikomen Stumbles Upon Adoption Certificate
Breaking: Grandma Really Shouldn’t Have Drank All Four Cups Of Wine
SEATTLE, WA — Chugging her fourth cup of wine, Ethel Silver changed what started out as a wholesome Seder with loved ones into a frantic trip to the emergency room. “She had that look in her eyes, and I immediately knew something was wrong,” said Jacob Silver, concerned grandson. “The only other time I’ve seenContinue reading “Breaking: Grandma Really Shouldn’t Have Drank All Four Cups Of Wine”
Seder Ruined By Know-It-All Teen In Atheist Phase
BUFFALO, NY — During the Magid section of the Passover Seder, the Schaufmans read through the story of the Jews’ salvation from their oppression at the hands of the Egyptians – but 15-year-old member of the family, Hillel, had a few objections. “God came down with a strong hand and outstretched arm and liberated theContinue reading “Seder Ruined By Know-It-All Teen In Atheist Phase”
Top Four Sons
The Simple Son He’s chill, he’s relaxed, he’s laid back – nothing but good vibes and positive energy. Sure, he can be a little dumb, but who doesn’t love an uncomplicated himbo? 2. The Wicked Son C’mon, don’t let the name mislead you, the Wicked Son isn’t a bad guy. He just has a tasteContinue reading “Top Four Sons”
Brave: Beverly Hills Jew In 5-Star Hotel Finds Way To Feel That She Herself Freed From Egypt
Local Man Breaks Out Crusty, Decade-Old Passover Toothbrush
Local Father Waterboarded but Still Won’t Reveal Afikoman Hiding Spot
ANY OF THE FIVE TOWNS, NY — Tensions were high this past Sunday night when the children of the Bloom household employed advanced interrogation techniques on their father Shloimie Bloom as part of an ongoing investigation regarding the location of the afikoman. Shloimie, who usually just hides it behind a picture frame, took his responsibilitiesContinue reading “Local Father Waterboarded but Still Won’t Reveal Afikoman Hiding Spot”
Sephardic COVID Patient Relieved to Lose Sense of Taste Right Before Visiting Ashkenaz In-Laws for Passover
SEATTLE, WA — After a long battle with the COVID-19 virus, local graduate student Aaron Abarbanel was relieved to find his lost sense of taste and smell have not yet returned, just in time to visit his in-laws of Polish descent. “When I go over there I already have to shovel cold pressure-cooker brisket andContinue reading “Sephardic COVID Patient Relieved to Lose Sense of Taste Right Before Visiting Ashkenaz In-Laws for Passover”
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