Opinion: Rabbi Akiva’s 24,000 Students Didn’t Die So Jesus Could Take Credit For “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself”

The famous Rabbi Akiva, known mainly for staring at water dripping on a rock, had one core principle that he discovered through a lifetime of Torah study and dedication to God: “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” But then some guy comes along, makes fish, passes the idea off as his own, and all of aContinue reading “Opinion: Rabbi Akiva’s 24,000 Students Didn’t Die So Jesus Could Take Credit For “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself””

Breaking: New Evidence Suggests Matzah Invented By Ancient Jews Who Didn’t Want To Poop In Desert

THE DESERT — On an archaeological excavation last Thursday, noted biblical and Jewish day school teacher, Dr. Albain Halfstead, reportedly discovered a papyrus scroll that explained the historical context behind the invention of matzah.  “Those of us familiar with the Old Testament will know the story of the Jews leaving Egypt in such haste thatContinue reading “Breaking: New Evidence Suggests Matzah Invented By Ancient Jews Who Didn’t Want To Poop In Desert”

Stoner Regrets Getting High On Passover, Only Has Hillel Sandwich To Satisfy Munchies

BROOKLYN, NY – Forgoing the four cups of wine and opting instead for a fat joint, local publicist and social media manager David Fischman found himself at the end of Had Gadya with an incessant case of the munchies.  “So I’m holding my joint in one hand while the other is halfway through dialing theContinue reading “Stoner Regrets Getting High On Passover, Only Has Hillel Sandwich To Satisfy Munchies”

Breaking: Grandma Really Shouldn’t Have Drank All Four Cups Of Wine

SEATTLE, WA — Chugging her fourth cup of wine, Ethel Silver changed what started out as a wholesome Seder with loved ones into a frantic trip to the emergency room. “She had that look in her eyes, and I immediately knew something was wrong,” said Jacob Silver, concerned grandson. “The only other time I’ve seenContinue reading “Breaking: Grandma Really Shouldn’t Have Drank All Four Cups Of Wine”

Seder Ruined By Know-It-All Teen In Atheist Phase

BUFFALO, NY — During the Magid section of the Passover Seder, the Schaufmans read through the story of the Jews’ salvation from their oppression at the hands of the Egyptians – but 15-year-old member of the family, Hillel, had a few objections.  “God came down with a strong hand and outstretched arm and liberated theContinue reading “Seder Ruined By Know-It-All Teen In Atheist Phase”

Opinion: Just Because The Jews Suffered In Egypt Shouldn’t Mean I Have To Suffer Through Your Shitty Passover Dessert

We’re amid the gluten-free revolution, people. I’m not just talking about cauliflower crust— there are completely gluten-free pizza restaurants out there with Michelin stars—so why is it that the Jews still don’t know how to bake a single decent Passover dessert?  I mean, how hard can it be? Swap in some almond flour in yourContinue reading “Opinion: Just Because The Jews Suffered In Egypt Shouldn’t Mean I Have To Suffer Through Your Shitty Passover Dessert”