Local Wal-Mart Opens Kosher Aisle, Features Matzah In July, Food That Isn’t Kosher

CINCINNATI, OH — When Wal-Mart announced they would be unveiling a Kosher aisle, the Jews of Cincinnati rallied behind the momentous decision – unfortunately, the results were underwhelming.  “We were so excited that we’d be able to buy our matzah meal and Yizkor candles along with our dog shampoo and As Seen On TV items,”Continue reading “Local Wal-Mart Opens Kosher Aisle, Features Matzah In July, Food That Isn’t Kosher”

Tragic: This Man Forgot to Count Omer Last Night

STAMFORD, CT — In an unfortunate lapse of memory, Stamford native Elie Sharansky forgot to count the Omer last night, missing what would have been the 47th and penultimate night before Shavuot.  Sharansky, who until last night had maintained a seven year perfect streak, was reminded of his error at a Shacharit minyan this morning.Continue reading “Tragic: This Man Forgot to Count Omer Last Night”

Local Father Waterboarded but Still Won’t Reveal Afikoman Hiding Spot

ANY OF THE FIVE TOWNS, NY — Tensions were high this past Sunday night when the children of the Bloom household employed advanced interrogation techniques on their father Shloimie Bloom as part of an ongoing investigation regarding the location of the afikoman. Shloimie, who usually just hides it behind a picture frame, took his responsibilitiesContinue reading “Local Father Waterboarded but Still Won’t Reveal Afikoman Hiding Spot”

I Promise There isn’t Chametz in my Internet History so you Definitely don’t have to Look There

As you start to search high and low for chametz in your houses, I understand that you’ll need to check under every couch cushion and between every fold in every sweater, but I promise you that there is no chametz in my browser history, so it’s honestly just not even worth looking there. I knowContinue reading “I Promise There isn’t Chametz in my Internet History so you Definitely don’t have to Look There”

I’m in My 20’s and Still Doing the Four Questions. What the Fuck.

I’m the youngest child in my immediate family – including my 17 first cousins – so it makes sense that I did the four questions when I was a kid. Maybe I even did them a little longer than the average person did, right? I mean, no younger siblings or cousins to take over forContinue reading “I’m in My 20’s and Still Doing the Four Questions. What the Fuck.”

The World Does Not Need More Jewish A Cappella Groups

We all flip our latkes in the air sometimes, but if you can no longer do it without singing a Taio Cruz parody, then we can agree on something important — the world does not need any more Jewish a cappella groups. For thousands of years, our Jewish heritage has been kept alive by theContinue reading “The World Does Not Need More Jewish A Cappella Groups”

How to Get Your Club Penguin Igloo Ready for Passover

Passover is coming up and you just cleansed your house of chametz, but now you need to do the same for your penguin in Club Penguin. Here are some helpful hints to get your igloo ready for Pesach! 1. Get rid of the obvious chametz Take that table full of treats and change it backContinue reading “How to Get Your Club Penguin Igloo Ready for Passover”