Lactose Intolerant Ashkenaz Masochist Serves Third Cheesecake Of Shavuot

BOSTON, MA — On the second night of Shavuot, Jessica Gelman served yet another cheesecake for dessert, laughing with glee at the effect it would soon have on her lactose-intolerant family. 

“I know there’s some kabbalistic meaning behind abstaining from meat on Shavuot, but to me, it’s just the one day a year I get to cut loose, do something fun for myself, and poison my husband and children,” said Gelman. “I buy a shitton of Lactaid and toilet paper in anticipation.”

Studies show that an intolerance to lactose affects 60-80% of Ashkenaz Jews, and the Gelmans are no exception. Of the 6 members of the Gelman household – Jessica, her husband Alan, and their four children – only the family dog is spared the pain of intestinal hellfire after ingesting dairy. For this reason, Jessica Gelman’s menu this year included lasagna, parmesan breaded fish, and potatoes al gratin. 

“I get that the Jews were as innocent as newborns at the mountain so they want us to drink milk like babies do,” said Joey, Gelman’s 17-year-old son. “But the Rabbis could at least have let me suck a titty or something. Sorry, I’m so riled up. There are 6 of us and only two bathrooms.”

Image via Wikimedia Commons

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