Report: Pomegranate Only Has 612 Seeds This Year

LAWRENCE, NY — Yesterday, Shimmy Levi did what he does every year before Rosh Hashana; he counted the seeds in his pomegranate. But after an hour of sorting, Levi was shocked to discover the holy fruit only had 612 seeds. 

The tradition began three years ago, when a friend speculated that there was no way pomegranates actually had 613 seeds. In his zeal to protect midrashic legacy, Levi committed to counting seeds each year. Until now, he’d been exact. 

“I counted and recounted,” said Levi, in shock. “And it wasn’t like the time when I did that 1,000 piece puzzle and my brother Yaakov ate the last one. He wasn’t allowed in the kitchen while I counted – you know, fool me once and all that.”

Rabbis across the world are scrambling in the wake of the count. “There has to be a reason behind this,” a spokesperson for the Rabbinate said in a press conference. “Oh Hashem, what is it? Did we lose a mitzvah this year? Was welcoming guests just removed from the canon because of social distancing? Is fucking other men allowed now? Strike that last one. We’re not on the record, right?”

Levi has stated that he hopes he didn’t lose a pomegranate seed, because if he did, the entire endeavor would have been rendered a total waste of time. 

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