Star Student Kicks Off Semester By Missing First Month Of Classes

NEW HAVEN, CT — Yale History major Anna Kuniansky announced recently in a series of emails to professors that she plans to kick off her junior year by missing nearly every class for the first month.

The email, which she copied and pasted into slightly different formats to send to each course instructor, explained, “due to my observance of the upcoming Jewish holidays, I will unfortunately not be able to make it to class this Tuesday or next Thursday or the Tuesday after or the Tuesday after.” Laughably, Kuniasky is aiming to graduate valedictorian. 

“It’s not that I want to be missing class. But my Jewish observance means that I will be in services this week and fasting next week. And then the following week I’ll have to be eating picnics all the time and the week after that I’ll most likely be shitfaced at 11 a.m.,” Kuniansky explained to a teaching assistant barely a heartbeat into the semester. 

Kuniansky has plans to maybe read the lecture notes uploaded to the course website after each holiday ends, but admits she will most likely just tell the professors she’s completely offline until October and hope they believe her.

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