Fashion Emergency: Entire Community Spotted Wearing White After Labor Day

LOS ANGELES, CA — At 8 p.m. on Wednesday, in a bombshell move that sent shockwaves throughout the California fashion scene, hundreds – if not thousands – of families were seen walking through the Pico-Robertson area wearing all white, merely a week and a half after labor day. Fashion critic Angelica Judd rushed to the sceneContinue reading “Fashion Emergency: Entire Community Spotted Wearing White After Labor Day”

I’m A Fish And I Don’t Want Your Sinful Bread

ATLANTIC OCEAN — Listen here, pal. I don’t care how worried you are this year about God smiting you with a vengeful heavenly fire or some ancient plague. Just because you decided this was the year you were going to eat dairy out doesn’t mean you have to throw all of that guilt on me. Continue reading “I’m A Fish And I Don’t Want Your Sinful Bread”

This Tzom Gedaliah, It’s Time To Reconsider Who Qualifies For A Fast Named After Them

So it’s the Fast of Gedaliah, right? And we’re just supposed to care about some bureaucrat from a million years ago that no one would have heard of if he hadn’t been killed? And not only do we have to care about him, but we have to fast in memory of his death? Why shouldContinue reading “This Tzom Gedaliah, It’s Time To Reconsider Who Qualifies For A Fast Named After Them”

Forget Apples and Honey: Make Your New Year Even Sweeter by Educating Yourself on the Iraq War

We’re all familiar with the age-old tradition of dipping our apples into honey to welcome in a “sweet new year” every Rosh HaShana – and by age-old, we mean aged and old. Boring! If you’re looking for a little spice, you could try pairing your sweet treats with a sharp cheddar and maybe a 2019Continue reading “Forget Apples and Honey: Make Your New Year Even Sweeter by Educating Yourself on the Iraq War”

Report: Pomegranate Only Has 612 Seeds This Year

LAWRENCE, NY — Yesterday, Shimmy Levi did what he does every year before Rosh Hashana; he counted the seeds in his pomegranate. But after an hour of sorting, Levi was shocked to discover the holy fruit only had 612 seeds.  The tradition began three years ago, when a friend speculated that there was no wayContinue reading “Report: Pomegranate Only Has 612 Seeds This Year”

Star Student Kicks Off Semester By Missing First Month Of Classes

NEW HAVEN, CT — Yale History major Anna Kuniansky announced recently in a series of emails to professors that she plans to kick off her junior year by missing nearly every class for the first month. The email, which she copied and pasted into slightly different formats to send to each course instructor, explained, “dueContinue reading “Star Student Kicks Off Semester By Missing First Month Of Classes”

Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More

Alright here’s the thing. For years Sefardim have been smug about having longer slichot than us Ashkenazi people. They think they’re better because their slichot lasts a full month, while ours is only two weeks.  But honestly, when you really think about it, why do they need so long? The whole point of slichot isContinue reading “Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More”