ASHKELON, IL — Following his first week of basic training, new IDF recruit Jacob Moskowitz realized that it was going to be much harder than Camp Moshava’s army day simulation made it out to be.
“The army is actually really hard, guys,” said Moskowitz to his completely unsympathetic camp friends, who chose to spend their gap years like normal people drinking at Mike’s Place. “But don’t worry – I know what I’m doing is essential to the survival of the Jewish people.”
According to official IDF documentation, Moskowitz spent his first week mopping floors and shredding papers.
“My interests in high school were Israel, playing Call of Duty, and not showering, and that’s how I ended up here,” said Moskowitz when asked why he decided to enlist. “But now that I’m here, I’m thinking I probably should’ve just applied to college.”
At press time, Moskowitz was too busy crying on the phone to his mother to comment.