Breaking: Jewish Day Schools Just Hiring Strangers At El-Al Arrival Gate As Hebrew Teachers

QUEENS, NY — Following staffing shortages at Ramaz Upper School, the principal, Mr. Joshua Adelman, was seen Monday in John F. Kennedy International Airport Terminal 4 searching for potential Hebrew teachers arriving from an El-Al flight. “We’re looking for anyone that can speak the language, basically,” Adelman told reporters while hiding behind a large fernContinue reading “Breaking: Jewish Day Schools Just Hiring Strangers At El-Al Arrival Gate As Hebrew Teachers”

Trees Thinking Of Just Staying In For Birthday This Year

The Forest — In a statement on Saturday night, one day before Tu Bishvat, the world’s trees announced that they decided to stay in for their birthday this year. “Look,” they said, “in a normal year, we love our collective birthday. We get all barked up and do our leaves all nice, but with allContinue reading “Trees Thinking Of Just Staying In For Birthday This Year”

Suspicious: Man Becomes Religious Just In Time to Cover Growing Bald Spot With Kippah

CEDARHURST, NY — Local Cedarhurst resident, Randy Friedman, known around town for his large backyard tent, has recently begun shifting back to Orthodoxy according to the latest reports. The most prominent change for him thus far has been the donning of a yarmulke, which he started to wear as of last Tuesday.  When questioned byContinue reading “Suspicious: Man Becomes Religious Just In Time to Cover Growing Bald Spot With Kippah”

Amar’e Stoudemire Converts To Islam After YU Basketball Streak Ends

Amar’e Stoudemire was reportedly extremely embarrassed upon receiving the news that Yeshiva University’s basketball team, the Maccabees, lost a game-ending their 50-game streak. “Damn, I should have known Kareem was right,” he said, throwing his black hat to the ground.

5 Famous Antisemites Who Were Probably Just Jealous

1. Pharaoh One of the earliest and most well-known antisemites, everyone knows Pharaoh was just envious of the Jews’ growth rate and threatened by their work ethic. Sorry, but that doesn’t really justify throwing babies in the Nile. Try seeing a therapist or journaling next time. 2. Henry Ford Most well known for distributing TheContinue reading “5 Famous Antisemites Who Were Probably Just Jealous”

Uh Oh: Yedid Nefesh Off to Slow Start, Forecast Bleak for Rest of Kabbalat Shabbat

TEANECK, NJ — A drawn-out “Yedid Nefesh” was heard Friday at sunset in Young Israel of Teaneck, leading to bleak predictions for when services would finally end. Murmurs were heard around the synagogue as members filled with regret that seventy-two-year-old Isaac Rosenberg was allowed to lead Kabbalat Shabbat services for the third time this year. Continue reading “Uh Oh: Yedid Nefesh Off to Slow Start, Forecast Bleak for Rest of Kabbalat Shabbat”