Following Widespread Lashon Hara, Lepers Protest Cancel Culture

THE DESERT, SINAI PENINSULA —Tattlers across the 12 tribes are reporting that Tzara’at sufferers are agitated at their supposedly unfair ostracization from the Jewish community.

Tzara’at, characterized by discolored spots on the hair, skin, clothes, and house, is a disease afflicting those who gossip and spread harmful untruths behind people’s backs. The only known treatment is a priestly purification ritual coupled with a mandatory seclusion from the tribes — although many patients are protesting the isolation forced on them by their tribes upon receiving their diagnosis.

“As soon as I saw the first spot on my arm, I knew what was going on,” said Azariah ben Kadmiel, a 34 year old member of the tribe of Zebulun. “It’s probably from when I told everyone that my friend Yechezkel HaKohen skipped out on his duties in the Mishkan to go see Shir HaShirim live in concert. But I let one little story slip, and all of a sudden I’m not allowed in my own tent? What a bunch of liberal sand-flakes.”

Other members of the wandering tribes of Israel have voiced similar concerns. 

“All I did was mention how my buddy Pinchas told some of his first-born Egyptian friends about the lamb’s blood trick, and I get kicked out?” asked Nachum ben Timur, scratching furiously at his blemishes. “They’re all so fixated on Halachical Correctness, they’ve started policing free speech — what gives them the right?”

Many lepers from all 12 tribes have reported that the seven day quarantine was brutal. 

Image via Hubert Stoffels, Creative Commons with modifications

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