Tag Archives: desert

Opinion: Just Because The Jews Suffered In Egypt Shouldn’t Mean I Have To Suffer Through Your Shitty Passover Dessert

We’re amid the gluten-free revolution, people. I’m not just talking about cauliflower crust— there are completely gluten-free pizza restaurants out there with Michelin stars—so why is it that the Jews still don’t know how to bake a single decent Passover dessert?  I mean, how hard can it be? Swap in some almond flour in yourContinue reading “Opinion: Just Because The Jews Suffered In Egypt Shouldn’t Mean I Have To Suffer Through Your Shitty Passover Dessert”

Awkward: I’ve Been Avoiding this Guy Since Our Souls Met at Har Sinai

I can’t tell you how uncomfortable it is to walk into a Starbucks on the Upper West Side and come face to face with the guy I’ve literally been avoiding since our souls met at Har Sinai. I mean, out of all of the Jewish people from every single generation since the inception of ourContinue reading “Awkward: I’ve Been Avoiding this Guy Since Our Souls Met at Har Sinai”

Instagram Activist Calls Out Non-Jewish Friends Who Posted for Earth Day and Not Tu Bishvat

HYDE PARK, IL — Avid social activist Julie Bloomfeld was shocked to see the slew of Earth Day posts on her non-Jewish friend’s Instagram stories, when not a single one of them said a word about Tu Bishvat only a few months ago. “Earth Day is basically just a knock-off Tu Bishvat,” said Bloomfeld. “IContinue reading “Instagram Activist Calls Out Non-Jewish Friends Who Posted for Earth Day and Not Tu Bishvat”

Following Widespread Lashon Hara, Lepers Protest Cancel Culture

THE DESERT, SINAI PENINSULA —Tattlers across the 12 tribes are reporting that Tzara’at sufferers are agitated at their supposedly unfair ostracization from the Jewish community. Tzara’at, characterized by discolored spots on the hair, skin, clothes, and house, is a disease afflicting those who gossip and spread harmful untruths behind people’s backs. The only known treatmentContinue reading “Following Widespread Lashon Hara, Lepers Protest Cancel Culture”

FOOD FALLING FROM FUCKING SKY

THE DESERT, SINAI — In what is being hailed as a large-scale upending of the food service industry, reports are streaming out of the Sinai Desert that food is falling out of the fucking sky.  Witnesses claim that approximately 10,000 pounds of a clear food substance called manna plummeted out of the goddamn sky atContinue reading “FOOD FALLING FROM FUCKING SKY”

After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed to Discover Israel is Just More Desert

GILGAL, ISRAEL — After 40 years of Moses pumping up the land of Israel, the Jewish people were all disappointed to discover their promised holy homeland is just more fucking desert. “I don’t understand where those spies got that massive fruit from,” Israelite Jebediah Ben Eli said. “We don’t even have drip irrigation yet.”  OtherContinue reading “After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed to Discover Israel is Just More Desert”