BREAKING: Israeli Chief Rabbinate Declares Cats Kosher To Fix Stray Cat Problem

JERUSALEM, IL — A historic shift took place Monday morning as the Chief Rabbinate of Israel officially declared cats as the newest addition to the relatively brief list of kosher animals. The decision comes from years of debate after the concept was initially proposed to curb the rampant feline pest predicament. 

“These street cats have been terrorizing the Israeli people for years,” said Rabbi Mendel Borren, a halachic authority from the Ponevezh Yeshiva. “At least now, we’ll get some benefit from them. It’s what Chazal would have wanted.”

Dissenting opinions streamed in from the Rabbinical Council of America, the organization of Orthodox Rabbis in the United States. “While we understand and sympathize with our Israeli brethren, we just cannot get behind the Halachic ramifications of this decision, no matter how gross it is when one of those one-eyed cats rubs up against your leg to beg for food,” said Rabbi Samuel Bernstein. 

At press time, two cats fighting in a dumpster could be heard making some of the most awful noises known to mankind.

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