Man Falls Off Building Onto Woman, Gets Her Pregnant

JERUSALEM, IL — According to bewildered sources that witnessed the bizarre scene on Ussishkin Street early last month, Avraham Gold, local talmid chacham, accidentally fell off of a building, sticking the landing perfectly into a woman who was located below. Apparently, his fall was broken by the insertion of his erect penis into the woman’sContinue reading “Man Falls Off Building Onto Woman, Gets Her Pregnant”

Local Convert Disappointed He Can No Longer Cook Calf In Mother’s Milk

HOUSTON, TX — Ron Baker, newly converted member of the local Jewish community, was shocked on Wednesday when he discovered the thrice-iterated Biblical prohibition against cooking a kid goat in its mother’s milk.  “I know Judaism is all about restrictions,” Baker said. “But I never thought I’d have to give up boiling baby animals inContinue reading “Local Convert Disappointed He Can No Longer Cook Calf In Mother’s Milk”

BREAKING: Israeli Chief Rabbinate Declares Cats Kosher To Fix Stray Cat Problem

JERUSALEM, IL — A historic shift took place Monday morning as the Chief Rabbinate of Israel officially declared cats as the newest addition to the relatively brief list of kosher animals. The decision comes from years of debate after the concept was initially proposed to curb the rampant feline pest predicament.  “These street cats haveContinue reading “BREAKING: Israeli Chief Rabbinate Declares Cats Kosher To Fix Stray Cat Problem”

Changing The Game: Visionary High Schooler Starts Tznius Fashion Instagram

TEANECK, NJ — It’s hard to believe that Bat Tzion Steinhardt, or as she’s known online, @btzn.modestfash, debuted her new modest fashion Instagram blog only a few days ago. Steinhardt is the newest in a long line of high schoolers, many now alumni, who have overcome the complex ins and outs of dress codes toContinue reading “Changing The Game: Visionary High Schooler Starts Tznius Fashion Instagram”

Chabad Rabbi Shoots Heroin Until Unable to Tell Difference Between Haman and Mordechai

WILLIAMSBURG, NY — Rabbi Dov “Wild Bear” Scharf took an unconventional approach to his Purim partying this year. In accordance with Halacha, on Purim one is commanded to become inebriated until unable to tell the difference between the two main characters of the Purim story – however, instead of bringing alcohol, this year Rabbi ScharfContinue reading “Chabad Rabbi Shoots Heroin Until Unable to Tell Difference Between Haman and Mordechai”

Oh No: Camp Rabbi Pulling Out Guitar for Some Reason

TOWNSEND, TN — While campers aged 8 to 14 were finishing their lunches of soy chicken nuggets, ominous whispers started to pass between the campers closer to the front of the dining hall. In just moments, the news had reached even the bunk forced to sit next to the supply closet in the back: theContinue reading “Oh No: Camp Rabbi Pulling Out Guitar for Some Reason”

Bear Attack Ruins High School Shabbaton; Lots of Students in Woods for Some Reason

CHICAGO, IL — A high school shabbaton was tragically cut short this weekend, thanks to a bear rampaging through the woods surrounding the summer camp where the shabbaton was held. Several students that were in the woods had to be rushed to the hospital, somehow oblivious to warning sounds of an incoming bear. “We actuallyContinue reading “Bear Attack Ruins High School Shabbaton; Lots of Students in Woods for Some Reason”