Tag Archives: rabbi

Rabbi Declares It Forbidden To Carry Guilt On Shabbat Without Eruv

OAK PARK, MI — Hoping to encourage a stricter level of Shabbat observance in the community, Rabbi Benjamin Fuchs declared a prohibition last Thursday morning on carrying any form of emotional guilt on Shabbat without a proper Eruv.  “I just don’t know how I’m going to get to Shul now,” said Oak Park resident DevorahContinue reading “Rabbi Declares It Forbidden To Carry Guilt On Shabbat Without Eruv”

Breaking: Jewish Day Schools Just Hiring Strangers At El-Al Arrival Gate As Hebrew Teachers

QUEENS, NY — Following staffing shortages at Ramaz Upper School, the principal, Mr. Joshua Adelman, was seen Monday in John F. Kennedy International Airport Terminal 4 searching for potential Hebrew teachers arriving from an El-Al flight. “We’re looking for anyone that can speak the language, basically,” Adelman told reporters while hiding behind a large fernContinue reading “Breaking: Jewish Day Schools Just Hiring Strangers At El-Al Arrival Gate As Hebrew Teachers”

Uh-Oh: Rabbi On Synagogue Zoom Call Still Cannot Work Out Volume Settings

ORLANDO, FL — Despite it being nearly two years since the Covid-19 pandemic began, Rabbi Eric Abramson of Congregation Gesher L’Shalom still struggles to adjust the volume on Zoom calls. The congregation holds morning minyan on Zoom twice a week, led by the 47-year-old Rabbi. According to synagogue members, Rabbi Abramson’s Divrei Torah are nearlyContinue reading “Uh-Oh: Rabbi On Synagogue Zoom Call Still Cannot Work Out Volume Settings”

Man Falls Off Building Onto Woman, Gets Her Pregnant

JERUSALEM, IL — According to bewildered sources that witnessed the bizarre scene on Ussishkin Street early last month, Avraham Gold, local talmid chacham, accidentally fell off of a building, sticking the landing perfectly into a woman who was located below. Apparently, his fall was broken by the insertion of his erect penis into the woman’sContinue reading “Man Falls Off Building Onto Woman, Gets Her Pregnant”

Local Convert Disappointed He Can No Longer Cook Calf In Mother’s Milk

HOUSTON, TX — Ron Baker, newly converted member of the local Jewish community, was shocked on Wednesday when he discovered the thrice-iterated Biblical prohibition against cooking a kid goat in its mother’s milk.  “I know Judaism is all about restrictions,” Baker said. “But I never thought I’d have to give up boiling baby animals inContinue reading “Local Convert Disappointed He Can No Longer Cook Calf In Mother’s Milk”

BREAKING: Israeli Chief Rabbinate Declares Cats Kosher To Fix Stray Cat Problem

JERUSALEM, IL — A historic shift took place Monday morning as the Chief Rabbinate of Israel officially declared cats as the newest addition to the relatively brief list of kosher animals. The decision comes from years of debate after the concept was initially proposed to curb the rampant feline pest predicament.  “These street cats haveContinue reading “BREAKING: Israeli Chief Rabbinate Declares Cats Kosher To Fix Stray Cat Problem”