HOUSTON, TX — Ron Baker, newly converted member of the local Jewish community, was shocked on Wednesday when he discovered the thrice-iterated Biblical prohibition against cooking a kid goat in its mother’s milk.
“I know Judaism is all about restrictions,” Baker said. “But I never thought I’d have to give up boiling baby animals in the breast fluids of their mommies.”
Baker learned this disappointing halacha in local Rabbi Shmuel Goetzmann’s weekly Tanakh class. “They had explained to me the hundreds of prohibitions on Shabbat, not touching my wife during the Niddah period, and even having to nod awkwardly at other Jews in public. And then they casually mention this whopper like it’s nothing? Now what am I going to do with my Tuesday nights?”
“Judaism is all about making sacrifices and living life in a meaningful way,” said Rabbi Goetzmann. “And sometimes that means forgoing creamy chicken parmesan, you know, the type that’s been cooked to absolute perfection. I can imagine it now, with the chicken just falling apart from the moisture and the cheese in a never ending string. Fuck it, I’m going to Olive Garden.”
At press time, Baker and Rabbi Goetzmann were seen making jokes to the waitress at Olive Garden about infinite breadsticks.