BOCA RATON, FL — In the midst of an interview with a delegate of Brown University’s admissions office which would help determine his acceptance into the ranks of the esteemed college, Itai Shapiro was heard making the argument that he is technically African-American despite his apparent lack of melanin. Shapiro claimed that since he was born in South Africa, he was justified in marking his race as African-American, and should therefore qualify for affirmative action benefits. The interviewer, Bryson Tate, was allegedly offended when Shapiro made reference to their “shared culture” and claimed to “also really love rap music”.
“I understand that he was born in the continent of Africa, but clearly he doesn’t share in the experience of discrimination that Black Americans face,” said Tate, brow still furrowed. “He moved here as an infant and doesn’t even have a South African accent. And just for the record, I don’t even like rap. I’m much more of an alternative rock fan personally.”
At press time, Mr. Shapiro confirmed that while his grandfather was a strong supporter of the apartheid system, he considers himself to be significantly more “woke” in comparison.
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