SYRACUSE, NY — Justin Kreischman, a freshman at Syracuse University, recently revealed to reporters that, despite his outwardly normal college life, he spends his nights lying awake, wishing he could have the chance to yell at people about Israel.
Attending the American Israel Public Affairs Committee Policy Conference every year of high school inspired Kreischman to prepare himself for the anti-Zionist “woke movement” on campus, which he did by spending countless hours scrolling through the StandWithUs Instagram. Upon arrival to campus, however, he was reportedly bitterly disappointed to see how little anti-Zionist sentiment there was.
“I stuck to a strict regimen of watching three hours of Ben Shapiro destroying idiot liberal snowflakes on YouTube, followed by practicing my delivery of the phrase ‘self-hating Jew’ until dinner,” Kreischman explained, “but the entire semester, the most antisemitic thing I faced was a kid telling me he doesn’t like falafel.”
At press time, sources claim they saw Kreischman recruiting students for the Students for Justice in Palestine Syracuse Chapter hoping to find someone to argue with him.