As Conservative Movement Dies, USY Hookup Point System Faces Inflation

SILVER SPRING, MD — Following a steep decline in Conservative Jews, the famed “point system” for hookups between members of Conservative youth group USY is now facing gripping inflation rates.

“When my older sisters were in USY, they probably had 40, 50 points each,” explained Sami Broder, who comprises her entire chapter board and is regional vice president and treasurer, “But with the pool of potential hookups so much smaller and chapter members at an all-time low, you kiss one guy and you’ve kissed the whole region. Boom. 500 points easy.”

USY International Board assures that the inflation is under control and that preventative measures are being taken to stop the tanking of the system, but insiders report otherwise.

“Rebecca told me that the only plan so far is to make the International Convention theme Shomer Negiah, and honestly I think that’s kind of tacky,” said Julia Goldfarb, Pinwheel region membership chair. “We get it, we’re dying out, no one wants to lead services anymore, blah blah blah. Why don’t we just go out with a bang?”  

While fringe radicals argue to just eliminate the outdated and often offensive system, experts state that a Traditional-Egalitarian bailout is the only hope to keep the Conservative movement afloat.

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