Opinion: Rabbi Akiva’s 24,000 Students Didn’t Die So Jesus Could Take Credit For “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself”

The famous Rabbi Akiva, known mainly for staring at water dripping on a rock, had one core principle that he discovered through a lifetime of Torah study and dedication to God: “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” But then some guy comes along, makes fish, passes the idea off as his own, and all of a sudden everyone is losing their shit about this “Jesus” character. This Lag Ba’Omer, it’s time for us to ask ourselves: why are we letting Jesus take all the credit?

This Jesus fellow thinks he’s soooo cool because he was crucified? Big whoop. Rabbi Akiva’s death was way more badass. He was wrapped in a Torah scroll, lit on fire, and instead of panicking, he stayed cool as a cucumber and took the moment to say the Shema as one final ‘fuck you’ to the Romans. Jesus got to leisurely chill out on a cross while Rabbi Akiva went out in flames – and then we got blamed for the cross thing too? Not cool.

If that’s not enough, Rabbi Akiva had over 24,000 followers and Jesus barely had 12. For those who don’t know the story of Rabbi Akiva’s 24,000 students, they all suffered a cruel death because they didn’t respect each other and ignored the core of Rabbi Akiva’s philosophy, and now the only legacy the 24,000 students have is a nasally Yeshiva Boys Choir song. This injustice cannot stand. No one should be subjected to the Yeshiva Boys Choir.

So at your bonfire night tomorrow, when you finally shave that nasty-ass beard your friends have been telling you “looks really full, dude,” remember those students that died and tell some Christians their entire religion is basically a cover band.

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