Recent Divorcee Beating Willow Branch on Floor Definitely Going Through Something

SILVER SPRING, MD — Violently smacking a ceremonial willow branch against the ground while crying, local divorcee David Jacobson was reportedly asking aloud what he did to deserve this. 

Eyewitnesses on the scene report Mr. Jacobson taking the traditional beating of the willow branches on Hoshana Rabah way too far. While the rest of the congregants danced in a circle together, celebrating nature and god by shaking and beating their willow branches, Jacobson gave a bestial howl to the sky and screeched a horrifying lament on the cruelty of that very same god.

“Listen, I understand there might be some issues at home – but screaming ‘slut’ in the middle of services on Hoshana Raba definitely isn’t helping his campaign to be president of the shul,” said congregant Raffi Moskowitz. Moskowitz added that while he is unsure why Mr. Jacobson and his ex-wife got divorced, it might have to do with the birth of their most recent child. “Sure, the kid looks a lot like their neighbor Diego, but that doesn’t prove anything.” 

When approached by the press, Mr. Jacobson tried to deflect with a cheesy joke, then subsequently broke into tears and admitted he doesn’t know how to use his washing machine.

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