Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More

Alright here’s the thing. For years Sefardim have been smug about having longer slichot than us Ashkenazi people. They think they’re better because their slichot lasts a full month, while ours is only two weeks.  But honestly, when you really think about it, why do they need so long? The whole point of slichot isContinue reading “Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More”

Brawl Erupts in Mad Dash for Mini Hot Dogs at Bar Mitzvah Kiddush

HOLLYWOOD, FL — In a tragic turn of events, six Young Israel congregants were hospitalized in critical condition this week, all harmed in the same fistfight that broke out next to the mini hot dogs at Jakey Schultz’s bar mitzvah kiddish.  “At first I felt bad throwing punches at guys I’ve prayed next to forContinue reading “Brawl Erupts in Mad Dash for Mini Hot Dogs at Bar Mitzvah Kiddush”

Man Has Not Put On Tefillin Today, Despite What He Told Chabad Man On Street

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN — When local student Ezra Adler was asked by a bearded man, presumably of Chabad affiliation, if he had put on tefillin that day, it was the lie heard ‘round the world. Though laying phylacteries is traditional for Jewish men over the age of 13 to do every morning, Ezra had notContinue reading “Man Has Not Put On Tefillin Today, Despite What He Told Chabad Man On Street”

Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember

TAMPA, FL — When Ruthie Mandel came home for Thanksgiving break of her freshman year in college, she knew her parents were going to make her go to shul. She didn’t expect for her trip to the bathroom during the Torah service to bring back such unexpected memories, and certainly didn’t expect a basket ofContinue reading “Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember”

Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Mourners praying at Congregation Mogen David reportedly had trouble getting through Kaddish at the end of a Wednesday afternoon Mincha due to the delayed recitation of Haim Ephrampur, a 78-year-old Iranian member of the community.  The Mourner’s Kaddish, a traditional Jewish prayer said for 11 months after the death of aContinue reading “Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish”

Local Non-Jew Opens Sunkist Fruit Gem Before the Bat Mitzvah Kid is Done With Maftir, Disrupts Entire Service

CHARLOTTE, VA — Just as Mikayla Wasserman, age 13, began to chant the maftir portion at her bat mitzvah, she was interrupted by a sound from the far back corner of the sanctuary. At 11:46 on Saturday morning at Congregation Beth Shalom, Nick Thomsen, Mikayla’s piano teacher, was opening a Sunkist fruit gem, which heContinue reading “Local Non-Jew Opens Sunkist Fruit Gem Before the Bat Mitzvah Kid is Done With Maftir, Disrupts Entire Service”

Recent Divorcee Beating Willow Branch on Floor Definitely Going Through Something

SILVER SPRING, MD — Violently smacking a ceremonial willow branch against the ground while crying, local divorcee David Jacobson was reportedly asking aloud what he did to deserve this.  Eyewitnesses on the scene report Mr. Jacobson taking the traditional beating of the willow branches on Hoshana Rabah way too far. While the rest of theContinue reading “Recent Divorcee Beating Willow Branch on Floor Definitely Going Through Something”