MorningStar Farms® Chik’n Nuggets Sales Spike Thanks To Vegan Kapparot

BROOKLYN, NY — In the week preceding Yom Kippur, MorningStar Farms® stock interests have skyrocketed. Explanations eluded leading economists, until Yonatan Glickman and his family were seen standing in their kitchen waving a bag of MorningStar Farms® Veggie Chik’n Nuggets around each of their heads as they completed the customary atonement ritual called Kapparot.  The GlickmanContinue reading “MorningStar Farms® Chik’n Nuggets Sales Spike Thanks To Vegan Kapparot”

Fashion Emergency: Entire Community Spotted Wearing White After Labor Day

LOS ANGELES, CA — At 8 p.m. on Wednesday, in a bombshell move that sent shockwaves throughout the California fashion scene, hundreds – if not thousands – of families were seen walking through the Pico-Robertson area wearing all white, merely a week and a half after labor day. Fashion critic Angelica Judd rushed to the sceneContinue reading “Fashion Emergency: Entire Community Spotted Wearing White After Labor Day”

Man With Long Spiralling Shofar Clearly Compensating For Weak Tekiah Gedolah

SILVER SPRING, MD — Rumors have been circulating that local man with massive shofar Avi Stoltz can hardly maintain a clear note for twenty seconds. Despite the elegant and elaborate shofar in his possession, many are now speculating that his actual shofar skills, in reality, blow.  Congregants at Stoltz’s synagogue, Temple Beth David, were ableContinue reading “Man With Long Spiralling Shofar Clearly Compensating For Weak Tekiah Gedolah”

Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More

Alright here’s the thing. For years Sefardim have been smug about having longer slichot than us Ashkenazi people. They think they’re better because their slichot lasts a full month, while ours is only two weeks.  But honestly, when you really think about it, why do they need so long? The whole point of slichot isContinue reading “Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More”

19-Year-Old Syrian Bride Carded At Own Wedding

BROOKLYN, NY — After trying to order a glass of Bartenura Moscato after her wedding reception, 19-year-old bride-to-be Sarah Dayan was asked by the bartender on site to see her ID.  “I may not be technically of age, but come on,” said Dayan. “If I’m mature enough to make a decision that will alter theContinue reading “19-Year-Old Syrian Bride Carded At Own Wedding”

5 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Projects That Are Way Cooler Than Raising Money For Some Stupid Charity

We’ve all been to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah where the kid does a project that aims to better their community – and let us be the first to say, big whoop. Oh, cool, you collected food for a food bank! Wow, you raised money for a children’s hospital, how original! If you really wantContinue reading “5 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Projects That Are Way Cooler Than Raising Money For Some Stupid Charity”

Brawl Erupts in Mad Dash for Mini Hot Dogs at Bar Mitzvah Kiddush

HOLLYWOOD, FL — In a tragic turn of events, six Young Israel congregants were hospitalized in critical condition this week, all harmed in the same fistfight that broke out next to the mini hot dogs at Jakey Schultz’s bar mitzvah kiddish.  “At first I felt bad throwing punches at guys I’ve prayed next to forContinue reading “Brawl Erupts in Mad Dash for Mini Hot Dogs at Bar Mitzvah Kiddush”

Rad! 5 Davening Tricks to Assert Your Dominance in Your Community’s Minyan

If you’re anything like me, you sometimes feel insignificant in the sea of other congregants at your local minyan. Maybe you dream of absolutely shredding some gnarly Tehillim to impress those on the other side of the mechitza. Well, boy oh boy, do I have some tips for you – listen loud and listen clear,Continue reading “Rad! 5 Davening Tricks to Assert Your Dominance in Your Community’s Minyan”

No Homo: We’re Just Chevrutas

I just have to make something absolutely clear: me and my new chevruta, the ever-so-brilliant Jacob Feinman, are just that – chevrutas. There’s no funny business going on whatsoever. Just two bros shteiging Shmuel Aleph. And sure, we just started perek 18 last Shabbos and we’re already up to perek 21, but that shouldn’t beContinue reading “No Homo: We’re Just Chevrutas”