Uh Oh: The Fax Machine At The Ohel Is Jammed Again

QUEENS, NY — The 27-year-old fax machine at the Ohel, the burial site of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, has jammed for the third time this month, according to reports. The fax machine receives close to 700 kvitlach, prayers written on small pieces of paper addressed to the Rebbe, each day. Now, withContinue reading “Uh Oh: The Fax Machine At The Ohel Is Jammed Again”

Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More

Alright here’s the thing. For years Sefardim have been smug about having longer slichot than us Ashkenazi people. They think they’re better because their slichot lasts a full month, while ours is only two weeks.  But honestly, when you really think about it, why do they need so long? The whole point of slichot isContinue reading “Sephardim Say More Slichot Because They Sin More”

Brawl Erupts in Mad Dash for Mini Hot Dogs at Bar Mitzvah Kiddush

HOLLYWOOD, FL — In a tragic turn of events, six Young Israel congregants were hospitalized in critical condition this week, all harmed in the same fistfight that broke out next to the mini hot dogs at Jakey Schultz’s bar mitzvah kiddish.  “At first I felt bad throwing punches at guys I’ve prayed next to forContinue reading “Brawl Erupts in Mad Dash for Mini Hot Dogs at Bar Mitzvah Kiddush”

Rad! 5 Davening Tricks to Assert Your Dominance in Your Community’s Minyan

If you’re anything like me, you sometimes feel insignificant in the sea of other congregants at your local minyan. Maybe you dream of absolutely shredding some gnarly Tehillim to impress those on the other side of the mechitza. Well, boy oh boy, do I have some tips for you – listen loud and listen clear,Continue reading “Rad! 5 Davening Tricks to Assert Your Dominance in Your Community’s Minyan”

This Side Of Mechitza A Real Sausage Fest

Everyone knows we all go to synagogue for one reason and one reason only: the chicks. What’s better than average sex that you don’t have to feel guilty about because your partner is definitely Jewish? I banged my way through the Egalitarian synagogue I usually go to and decided to try the Sephardic one downContinue reading “This Side Of Mechitza A Real Sausage Fest”

Man Has Not Put On Tefillin Today, Despite What He Told Chabad Man On Street

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN — When local student Ezra Adler was asked by a bearded man, presumably of Chabad affiliation, if he had put on tefillin that day, it was the lie heard ‘round the world. Though laying phylacteries is traditional for Jewish men over the age of 13 to do every morning, Ezra had notContinue reading “Man Has Not Put On Tefillin Today, Despite What He Told Chabad Man On Street”

Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember

TAMPA, FL — When Ruthie Mandel came home for Thanksgiving break of her freshman year in college, she knew her parents were going to make her go to shul. She didn’t expect for her trip to the bathroom during the Torah service to bring back such unexpected memories, and certainly didn’t expect a basket ofContinue reading “Shul Bathroom has had Same Basket of Tampons on the Counter as Long as Local Student Can Remember”

Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Mourners praying at Congregation Mogen David reportedly had trouble getting through Kaddish at the end of a Wednesday afternoon Mincha due to the delayed recitation of Haim Ephrampur, a 78-year-old Iranian member of the community.  The Mourner’s Kaddish, a traditional Jewish prayer said for 11 months after the death of aContinue reading “Elderly Persian Man at Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner’s Kaddish”

New Record For Loudest Sound Ever Heard: Grandma Whispered in Synagogue

BOSTON, MA — A new record has been set for the loudest sound recorded in human history. The title was once held by the 1883 eruption of the Krakatoa volcano, which was heard 3,000 miles away – but on Saturday, Arlene Rosenberg, 77 year old member of Congregation Or Yisrael, attempted to whisper during theContinue reading “New Record For Loudest Sound Ever Heard: Grandma Whispered in Synagogue”