Chabad Rabbi Shoots Heroin Until Unable to Tell Difference Between Haman and Mordechai

WILLIAMSBURG, NY — Rabbi Dov “Wild Bear” Scharf took an unconventional approach to his Purim partying this year. In accordance with Halacha, on Purim one is commanded to become inebriated until unable to tell the difference between the two main characters of the Purim story – however, instead of bringing alcohol, this year Rabbi Scharf arrived at the annual Purim Kollel Sha-Bang with 300mgs of Black Tar heroin and a sterilized needle.

“After 40 years of Purim seudahs, telling the difference between Mordechai and Haman is just too easy,” said Rabbi Scharf. “You get tired of the routine, you know? Plus at this point I have a significantly higher than average tolerance to alcohol.”

In the past years, Rabbi Scharf has tried everything from jello shots to keg stands to ramping up his Taanit Esther minhag and fasting for three days before the party to get even more plastered. No matter the method, Rabbi Scharf was still able to differentiate the two characters. 

“I think I just know too much Torah,” he said, “so this year, I went all out to fulfill the mitzvah.”

Kollel students were not surprised to see their beloved Rabbi experiment with an illicit substance. A few students reported rumors of Rabbi Scharf considering experimenting with amphetamines next year.

While giving a vort later that night, avid Kollel student Yehoshua Goldman couldn’t refrain from drawing parallels between the Rabbi’s actions and the Book of Esther: “just like Mordechai, Rabbi Scharf took a ride on the horse.”

%d bloggers like this: