Opinion: This Side Of Mechitza A Real Sausage Fest

Everyone knows we all go to synagogue for one reason and one reason only: the chicks. What’s better than average sex that you don’t have to feel guilty about because your partner is definitely Jewish? I banged my way through the Egalitarian synagogue I usually go to and decided to try the Sephardic one down the block for Saturday morning Torah service – and man, I gotta say, this side of the mechitza is a real sausage fest.

Don’t get me wrong, the guys over here are obviously very wizened and have some sick beards going on, but I haven’t laid eyes on a single honey who would fake a few rounds to make me feel better after a lackluster kiddush. 

I even showed up for the beginning of shacharit to show the potential chicks that I mean business. I’m no schmuck, showing up just for Torah reading like a goy invited to a bar mitzvah. But as we neared the shema, I looked around and noticed I didn’t see a single hottie.

Weird, right? I’ll reserve my judgement until after Torah reading though. Hopefully at least the Gabai is cute, plus I get extra points with the man upstairs if I bag a girl who knows trope. I’ll just scope out my target when she gets up on the bimah in front of everyone to read the sacred scroll. Trust me, by the end of the night, I’ll have her shouting “V’natan Lanu Et Torato-oh-oh-ohhhhh yes.”

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