Only Jewish Employee At Kosher Pizzeria Makes Big Bucks Just To Turn On Ovens

ELIZABETH, NJ — Grinning smugly as he turned the oven to 350° Fahrenheit, local teenager Moshe Goldfarb confirmed that he had been hired last week at Jerusalem Pizza in Elizabeth, New Jersey to operate the restaurant’s ovens, thereby circumventing the prohibition of Bishul Akum (cooking by gentiles). “The job really allows me to apply whatContinue reading “Only Jewish Employee At Kosher Pizzeria Makes Big Bucks Just To Turn On Ovens”

Breaking: Jewish Day Schools Just Hiring Strangers At El-Al Arrival Gate As Hebrew Teachers

QUEENS, NY — Following staffing shortages at Ramaz Upper School, the principal, Mr. Joshua Adelman, was seen Monday in John F. Kennedy International Airport Terminal 4 searching for potential Hebrew teachers arriving from an El-Al flight. “We’re looking for anyone that can speak the language, basically,” Adelman told reporters while hiding behind a large fernContinue reading “Breaking: Jewish Day Schools Just Hiring Strangers At El-Al Arrival Gate As Hebrew Teachers”

5 Straight-Up Worthless Skills My Day School Education Taught Me

How to read Rashi script Let’s be real: I still don’t know the difference between some of those letters. Rashi script is the cursive of Hebrew, you spend years learning the font only to never use it again. Rashi didn’t even use the script so why should I? How to cheer during Color War  SureContinue reading “5 Straight-Up Worthless Skills My Day School Education Taught Me”

University BDS Chapter Disbanded After Realizing Fauda Has English Subtitles

Berkeley, CA — Local graduate student Olivia Lowell has stepped back from her leading role in UC Berkeley’s BDS organization after learning that the hit Israeli TV show “Fauda” comes with English subtitles on Netflix. “It just seemed so unfair to me,” Lowell reportedly said, “that Israel had this supposedly amazing show, but they were hoardingContinue reading “University BDS Chapter Disbanded After Realizing Fauda Has English Subtitles”

Local campus Hillel Proves Pluralism Is Totally Possible As Long As No One Interacts With Each Other

COLLEGE PARK, MD — The University of Maryland Hillel has proven, once and for all, that Jewish communities are capable of creating inclusive and pluralistic spaces, where Jews of all denominations can feel comfortable practicing their own brand of Judaism around each other, as long as they are within their own designated rooms of theContinue reading “Local campus Hillel Proves Pluralism Is Totally Possible As Long As No One Interacts With Each Other”

Star Student Kicks Off Semester By Missing First Month Of Classes

NEW HAVEN, CT — Yale History major Anna Kuniansky announced recently in a series of emails to professors that she plans to kick off her junior year by missing nearly every class for the first month. The email, which she copied and pasted into slightly different formats to send to each course instructor, explained, “dueContinue reading “Star Student Kicks Off Semester By Missing First Month Of Classes”

Anti-Israel Liberal Begrudgingly Admits Kibbutz Only Example Of Communism Actually Working

BERKELEY, CA — In a heated political debate about forms of government that took place in the University of California, Berkeley dining hall this Thursday, left-leaning philosophy major Henry Blake reluctantly supported his pro-communism argument by citing the success of Israeli socialist communes known as Kibbutzim.  “Listen, I’m definitely not the biggest fan of Israel,Continue reading “Anti-Israel Liberal Begrudgingly Admits Kibbutz Only Example Of Communism Actually Working”

Changing The Game: Visionary High Schooler Starts Tznius Fashion Instagram

TEANECK, NJ — It’s hard to believe that Bat Tzion Steinhardt, or as she’s known online, @btzn.modestfash, debuted her new modest fashion Instagram blog only a few days ago. Steinhardt is the newest in a long line of high schoolers, many now alumni, who have overcome the complex ins and outs of dress codes toContinue reading “Changing The Game: Visionary High Schooler Starts Tznius Fashion Instagram”