Man Who Has Never Made Etrog Jam In His Life Swears This The Year He Finally Makes Etrog Jam


OAK PARK, MI — In a press release this week, accountant and local block party host Aryeh Gerber has vowed that this year will finally be the year that he makes jam out of the citrus used as part of the celebration of Sukkot. 

“This year, I’m really gonna do it,” stated Gerber at his Kiddush Club to no one in particular. “It can’t be that hard. Slice it up, throw in some salt… sugar?… well, something, and then… I guess water? Do you think One Stop Kosher has mason jars?”

“I’ve never had it, but I’ve heard it’s the most delicious thing in the world,” Gerber’s daughter Alyssa said when asked for comment. “Choirs of angels sing songs of that sweet citrusy nectar. They say Valhalla is flowing with rivers of jam made from the fruit of that majestic tree. Oh, do I think I’ll ever taste it? Nah, dad’s been talking about making Etrog jam as long as I can remember.”

Gerber was last seen in the alley behind Borenstein’s Judaica talking to a Charedi man in a multicolored knit vest, Shlomo Bloskovitz, who claims he has made Etrog Jam in the past. The Schmear has been unable to independently confirm this claim.

Bcohn, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons with modifications

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